Behind the scene!

In Shakespeare’s “As You Like It”, the character Jaques begins a monologue with:

“All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players”

Have you ever thought about how true that statement is?

I have! (someone grumbling: That’s because your mind goes off kilter every now and then.)

Who said that?! K

Anyways. The phrase suggests that life is a play.  Being theatre goers, we often judge a play by the performance of the actors, the script/dialogue, the costumes, even the scenery.  But we miss all the things that make each of the afore mentioned successful.  That’s because these things all take place backstage and out of view.

The play’s dialogue could be superb, but will go unnoticed if the actor’s costume changes are problematic. Delays and the infamous wardrobe malfunctions.  Or if the scenery is awful or too distracting the audience can’t focus on the great dialogue and magnificent costumes. 

The problem is we never think about backstage.  But when the garbage or problems backstage rear their ugly heads or start to show up onstage we’re shocked, dismayed, and disappointed.

Here is one of those shocking backstage moments:

You’re 48, and he’s 52. You’ve been seeing each other for about a month, and you’ve danced around the sexual electricity between the two of you.  He’s handsome, has a body that makes you want to drink his bath water (as a friend of mine is fond of saying); he dresses well, is intelligent and seems to have it all together.  You’re past ready for him to make a move.  Tonight he invites you back to his place.  (In your head you’re doing a slow grove to The Isley Brother's "Mission To Please You”).

His house:  As you step into the house you find his mother on the couch watching TV.  A quick introduction and he takes you by the hand to lead you to his bedroom.  Now you’re feeling a bit awkward.  (Are we really gonna do it with his momma in the house?)

It gets worse!

His bedroom: twin bed, huge plasma screen TV, stereo system, an X-box, stacks and stacks of CD’s and games, and posters of 50 Cent, Michael Jordan, and Lil’ Kim adorn the walls. 

You’re thinking: “What the hell?”

Oh his on stage is superb, but his backstage is all f@#%^* up!

*Collective sigh cause we’ve all been there at one time or another*

So, the next time you meet Mr. Tony Award, try to get a glimpse backstage before you go gaga. 

Don’t be afraid to ask him questions and delve a little deeper behind the show in front of you.

Don’t get so caught up in the play’s dialogue that you miss things happening around you.  Those things in the plot that seemed unimportant, but turned out to be clues. Like when he told you he loves to treat his woman like a real lady. But since you’ve been dating he not only has yet to hold a door for you, he doesn’t want to go out of his way to pick you up at your door.

Backstage! Inquiring minds want to know!!

MAINTENANCE RULES

Every now and then you meet someone who meets all the requirements to be a great lover, but falls short in other areas.  Basically, he knows how to light your body up but not your heart. I’ll let you all debate amongst yourselves the moral implications of what I’m about to suggest.  But here it is:  hire him as a Maintenance Man!

And by “hire” I don’t mean pay.  I say hire because you can sure fire his ass when his performance isn’t up to snuff. 

If you’re single, you need a Maintenance Man (or 2, 3….) while you’re waiting for Mr. Right.  Think of your Maintenance Man as your scrimmage before the big game. 

Or, maybe you have Mr. Right but sometimes your body needs a little something Mr. Right can’t deliver.  So you turn to your Maintenance Man. (Ya’ll can debate that one too!)

Before you hire your Maintenance Man, you and he must understand the rules.  Since knowledge is power, I’ve put together some rules to help you make good choices.  You can tweak or add to them at your leisure.

RULES

 You and your Maintenance Man

1.  Respect! If you’re out together you must still respect one another.  You should not be hanging all over some other man when you know you came to the party with your Maintenance Man as your date.  Give the other guy your number and keep it moving! Your Maintenance Man needs to work fast to get the number of that cutie he’s been watching, and get back to behaving like he’s with you.

2.  Your relationship should be discreet.  Establish a means of communication that works well for you both.  This will help avoid awkward and uncomfortable situations.

3.  This relationship should be as drama free as possible.

 

YOU:

1.  Your Maintenance Man is not responsible for getting your hair, nails, and feet done.  He is not the one you look to for help with paying bills.  Those things are for your Main Man.  Understand, that when a man starts giving you money he feels you belong to him.  That’s not what your maintenance relationship is about!!

2.  Your Maintenance Man should be free to live his life – that means see other women – without jealousy and drama from you. 

3.   While it is ok for you to give or receive gifts, be very careful in doing so.  A Valentine’s Day gift for your Maintenance Man should be something for the two of you to enjoy together right then.  Be careful what gifts you accept from your Maintenance Man.  Some gifts may be an indication that his emotions are getting too involved. 

4.  Your Maintenance Man is not there to listen to you bitch about what’s wrong in your primary relationship.  Save that for your girlfriends. 

5.  Your Maintenance Main should not become your baby’s daddy.  Contraceptives and safe sex should be the rule of the day.

6.  It is perfectly fine for your Maintenance Man to make a booty call to you.

7.  You should talk openly with your Maintenance Man about your sexual experience with him.  Tell him what you like and don’t like.  Explore his body and test his limits. 

8.  You determine the number of passes you will give your Maintenance Man for half ass performances. (I’m a 3 strikes you’re out girl myself)  If things don’t improve FIRE HIM!

Maintenance Man

1.  Your maintenance job is about performance.  She’s a pancake and you’re the spatula! Give her the sexual experience she’s not getting elsewhere.

2.  You must always remember that you are in a physical relationship with your maintainee.  This does not make you king of her castle, or entitle you to know where she is and who she’s with.  Keep shit in perspective.

3.  You should not expect or demand preferential treatment.

4.  You should be able to pay for and/or split the cost of a hotel room if that’s’ where your trists take place.

5.  This is the time to drop all inhibitions.  Explore some of those things you’ve always wanted to do.

6.  You have the right to “end/quit”  the relationship at any time, and for any reason.

GOT IT! Now go get those cobwebs dusted off!!!