TRICIA-THE-MISERABLE

People are naturally curious. It’s part of our human nature.

We want to know about things: space, the ocean, volcanoes, animals, God….and too many other things to mention.

But our strongest and most consuming curiosity is about each other.  Let’s face it! We want to know what each of us is doing, how we’re doing it, and why we’re doing it.

We want to know what makes each of us tick.  What makes up each of our lives; both personal and professional.

This curiosity is so innate in each of us that we barely notice it.

Sometimes, however, that curiosity can cause someone to over step their bounds.  We usually call these people nosey.  Take the following scenarios for example:

BACKGROUND:  Bernice and her husband Aaron have been having some marital problems over the past year.  He’s had more than one affair, and has been less than attentive to his wife.  Bernice has often confided in friends, and those she thinks are her friends.  Christmas has just come and gone. Conversations are going something like this:

ONE:

Cathy:  Hey Berni how was your holiday?

Bernice:  It was good! And yours?

Cathy:  It was good. Wish we’d had more time off though!

Bernice:  Ain’t that the truth.

This conversation is quite acceptable.  Bernice and Cathy may be friends or just casual acquiantances, but neither delves too deeply in what is going on with the other.  The door is open, however, for deeper conversation should either of them need it.

TWO:

Steven:  Bernice! How was your Christmas?

Bernice:  It was good! And yours?

Steven:  It was ok.  Didn’t do much.  We went to my Mom’s for dinner.  How about you? Was Santa good to you this year?

Bernice:  Yeah.  I got jewelry, a watch, clothes, and a gift card for me and a friend to go to the spa.

Steven: No drama from Aaron?

Bernice: No drama.

Steven:  Good! Glad you had a good day! You deserved it!

Bernice:  Thanks Steven!

Is this conversation acceptable? I think so.  Steven could have done without the question about Aaron, but he accepts Bernice’s response and keeps it moving.  Not too much digging.

THREE:

Tricia:  Hey Bernice!

Bernice: Hey Tricia! How was your holiday?

Tricia: It was good! I didn't do anything.  Just stayed home and chilled out. How about yours? Was that no good husband of yours home, or was he out with one of his women?

Bernice:  He was home.  He cooked dinner.

Tricia:  Cooked dinner? I guess those other women he’s been so fascinated with had other plans for Christmas.  Did his sorry ass was even bother to buy you anything?

Bernice:  Yeah.  I got jewelry, a watch, clothes, and a gift card for me and a friend to go to the spa.

Tricia:  *Hrumph!* What did he do, pick up some cheap watch at Walmart? I’ll bet while you and a friend are at the spa his trifling ass will be with someone else.  You shouldn’t even fall for his bullshit girl!

Bernice: No, it’s an Anne Klein. (Quiet and feeling uncomfortable)

Tricia:  That bum probably bought a knock-off. Has he planned anything for ya’ll to do New Year’s eve?

Bernice:  We don’t really have any plans.  I’m hoping we’ll just have a candle light dinner at home.

Tricia:  Whatever! You’re stupid!  You should have kicked his ass out.  You should have told him what to do with that fake watch.

Bernice:  I don’t think it’s fake.  The watch was in an Anne Klein box, and he gave me the Nordstoms gift receipt so that I can go have it sized.

Tricia:  Pleeeaase!! He probably got the receipt from a watch he bought one of his women.  You’re gonna look like a damn fool! Well, I’ll talk with you later.

Bernice :  Later.

Aren’t you glad that WTF moment is over?

I have problems with Tricia on soooooo many levels.

First off, even if she’s Bernice’s best friend, it is not her place to refer to Bernice’s husband by anything other than his given name.  She is waaay out of place referring to Aaron as “no good”, “trifling”, and a “bum”. 

Secondly, her constantly bringing up Aaron’s transgressions, and criticizing the gifts, should make any reasonable person ill.  If Bernice said she had a good holiday, let her have that.  Especially if you know she’s had a rough go of it over the past year.  A real friend would be happy for her.

Let me tell you what I think Tricia’s problem really is.

Tricia didn’t have anybody to spend Christmas with and she envies the fact that Bernice did.  Tricia can’t stand the fact that despite the problems in the relationship, Aaron and Bernice had a nice Christmas together.  Remember my blog about misery loving company?

Meet Tricia-the-Miserable.

Tricia shows entirely too much interest in Bernice and Aaron’s relationship.  This is the bitch to watch.  Women like this often have ulterior motives.  Tricia probably wanted to be one of Aaron’s other women, but he wasn’t even giving her a second look.  She also can’t stand to see Bernice happy.  She’s doing her best to keep a wedge between Aaron and Bernice.

Solution?

SHUT THE MISERABLE BITCH DOWN!!!

Do it fast! People like Tricia don’t recognize personal boundaries.  If you let them cross that line without getting checked they’ll cross it again and again.  They aren’t just nosey, they’re meddlesome.

Do you have a Tricia-the-Miserable in your life? 

Take action! Tricia-the-Miserable will keep discord in your relationships!  Strife in your life!

Tricia-the-Miserable wants what you have!

But if she can’t have it, then she’ll do everything in her power to make sure you can’t either!!

Survival Mode!!

I had the most interesting conversation with a friend of an acquaintance about yesterday’s blog.  Just to give you a little background, this guy (the friend of the acquaintance) was laid-off from his job about 18 months ago, and has not been able to find work.

MMMM…..scratch that……maybe it would be more accurate to say he’s been unable to find a job he likes and is willing to stay on.  (That’s a blog I’m itching to write…..soooo….tempting!!.......*voices whispering* “Yes my Precious, wright it! Wright it!!”)

Jen!  JEN!  - - - - Focus!!

OK.  OK.  I’m back!

While talking with me, the friend of the acquaintance concluded that I was still in survival mode, and, in his opinion, that I should be out of survival mode now that I’ve been on my new job for a month.

I had to think about that one………(Jeopardy theme song plays in the background)

Yep, still in survival mode!  And you know what? I’m ok with that.

The unexpected layoff caused me to take action, and delay action, on some things.  Now with that personal crisis over, I could simply put all plans back on the table right?  Nope! I’m going to take this opportunity to re-evaluate.  Take a step back.  I can already say there are some plans I’ve completely scrapped. 

You see, sometimes we get so caught up in our plans, hopes  and dreams, that we make decisions that aren’t always the best decisions for us.  It’s like choosing between carpet and hardwood floors! 

(Stop with the rapid blinking the analogy will make sense in a minute!  Geez!)

Ok you with me? 

High quality carpet feels good underfoot, right?!  And you’d planned to put it in every room except the kitchen and bathroom.  But what if your 8 year old suffers with really bad allergies, or your significant other is a heavy smoker?  Under either of these circumstances carpeting would not be a good choice for floor covering.  Hardwood would be better.   If Hurricane Sandy hadn’t come along and mucked things up, delaying Empire Flooring coming out and measuring for carpeting (you were taking advantage of the “one room for $99 get one room free” installation special), you wouldn’t have had an opportunity to rethink that purchase. 

It’s too bad that it often takes some crazy event for us to rethink things.  We run headlong into the fray and realize much too late that we hadn’t thought stuff out as well as we could and should have. 

There are also wondrous things to see in survival mode.  See the “Naysayer" and False Encourager” emerge like maggots from rotten meat.  (YUK!!) 

Who are they?

The Naysayers are the ones that will try to discourage you from just about anything. 

Why go back to school when it isn’t going to matter in this economy anyway? 

You shouldn’t take that promotion because it’s too much of a headache. 

The False Encouragers take the opposite approach.  They try to cajole you into doing things not in your best interest.  With a friendly smile, a pat on the back and some gentle ego massaging that has your eyes glazing over:

“Don’t look for a job right away.  You should take about 6 months off.” 

(In case no one ever told you, let me pull your coat tail right here….The longer you’re unemployed, the less employable you become….don’t buy into that other bullshit!)

“I think you should buy that $300 pocketbook.  Take it from your rent money. You can make it up next month.”

If you’re really special, you’ll meet the barely recognizable ‘Naysayer/False Encourager Hybrid’.  You gotta be on your toes with them.  Like shape shifters they move between the two realms with the fluidity of water.  Like a kid in a school yard they’ll challenge you.

“Go ahead and buy that Jaguar.  The note is only $950 a month.  Treat yourself well. What are you scared or something?”

You have to shut them down quick! Just look that monstrosity in the eyes and say:

“Yeah, I’m scared.  I’m scared of losing everything I worked hard for listening to your dumb ass advice!”

Whew!!

I’m thinking it’s not a bad idea to think of survival mode as a great place to visit from time to time.  To take a step back and re-evaluate your plans, your journey, and the path on which you walk. 

Maybe set aside an evening or weekend a month - or every couple of months – to rethink some things.  You can even make it a group activity.  Some delicious food, great wine, and good friends you can count on to give you sound advice and suggestions.

Survival Mode. That place between plan and action.  Where your occasional visit may cause you less grief and frustration down the road.  A place of peaceful contemplation.

 A place in the twilight zone!  (Sorry! I’ve always wanted to say that :-)

THIS WAY OUT!!

Attention Passengers!! Please take your purchases to the nearest register and return to the car.  Our road trip continues!

That was a long rest stop wasn’t it?  But as usual there’s been lots going on.  

As most of you know, I think of life as a spiritual journey.  During the course of this journey we are tested, rewarded, rattled and comforted.  We also sometimes reach parts of this journey where we're comfortable. It's usually during this time that God shakes things up a bit.

My recent shake? In early March, I was informed I was being laid-off – the firm is doing some restructuring or something and lots of folks were being let go.  Shocked? So was I!

I think I scared my boss a little though.  I didn’t cry or break down.  I simply told him we’d had a good run and I hated to see it end.  I got so quiet he started asking me if I was okay, and if I needed to go home.  I was so calm I think he was scared I was about to go postal, or worse yet, pull angry black woman out of my pocket.  And we all know the angry black woman is the most feared creature on the planet!  

ROTF!!

I was in the zone at my old job! I was comfortable.  My team ran like a well oiled machine.  I had great bosses. No micro-managing….just letting me do my thing and getting results.  I had a top notch secretarial staff.  And when extra hands were needed for mass mailings and such our receptionist could stuff envelopes with the best of them, and there was Michelle – she runs the  document production room.  And she’s awesome!!!  She was always on top of making sure my team had the supplies we needed, and would even keep the mail guy talking for as long as possible till that last mail bin was ready.  She's such a flirt!  (Just as an aside: I never go to work looking to make friends.  My philosophy has always been “respect me, I’ll respect you, and we’ll get the job done”.  But when I do make a friend, I’m a better person because of it.  And ya’ll know I don’t throw the “friend” label on just anybody.  Well I count Michelle among my friends! Love ya girl!!)

Back to my tale.

I was told March 31^st would officially be my last day.  I had a month left in my comfort zone.  At the time I was, quite literally, of 2 minds.  One part of my mind was cursing and throwing a temper tantrum.  The other part of my mind went immediately into survival mode – that’s a polite way of saying I went into “Shit!!! I gotta find a job!” mode.  I also made a conscious decision to go out with class.  I packed up my office – no fuss - made sure all my work was finished and up to date.  I worked the job the way I always did.  You see, I believe people ALWAYS remember 2 things about you….the first impression……and the last.   Folks never remember how Mary worked 14 hour days to make sure the quarterly report was done.  Or how she made everybody’s birthday special. Nooooo…….they’ll remember Mary screaming and cry, and how her husband had to be called, and the doctor gave her valium, and all that other crap.  

Anywho.  Survival mode.  Updated the resume.  Flooded the market.  Did a bunch of interviews.

I started my new job on April 22^nd.   GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

You see, God had to shake me up by forcing me out of my comfort zone.  Whatever my Grace place is, my task, my journey……God determined I was not going to complete my assignment because I was too comfortable where I was.  He closed a door and opened a window – a window of opportunity.

My commute is shorter.  Everybody at the new job is really nice.  I’m getting to expand my knowledge in an area of law that really interests me.  And my new bosses don’t micro-manage me either! Just letting me work my magic!! (Doing my happy dance!!) 

I made this whole ordeal sound really easy, and made me sound like Jenny Cool.  

Truth is.  It was scary! This economy is still recovering.  There are still so many people out of work. 

How long was it going to take for me to find a job? 

Would my unemployment be enough for me to meet my financial responsibilities? 

Would I have to cut back on my wine purchases? (This one really had me worried!)

If I went to a show of a sexy male stripper, would I have $10 to put in his thong? Seriously!!

Soooo many things!!

But no matter how scared or worried I was, I had to remember one thing: If He brought me to it, He’ll bring me through it!

It wasn’t always easy to remember this so I even repeated it out loud to myself when I felt low moments coming on.

You know what?  It was a tremendous comfort.  

When God shakes up your world and you feel boxed in, repeat that mantra over and over again – a thousand times if necessary.  You say it until you remember that God has your exit strategy already in place.  That shaking up your world is your opportunity and God’s need, for you to grow.  Change may not be easy, but it doesn’t have to be all consuming either.

When God closes a door, He’s already opened another portal.  Get ready to dive through it.  Repeat your mantra.  Keep your hand in His.  

He’s got you!!