Bad Timing

Your ever heard the phrase “timing is everything”? 

My New Jersey folk know it snowed here a couple of days ago.  It wasn’t a lot of snow, but it was wet, heavy and slushy.  And it was also very very cold outside. (Brrrrrr!!)

What had happen was, I was shopping in Walmart in Watchung and found myself in a very polite conversation with the guy in line in front of me.  You ever notice how easy it is to laugh with a stranger when you’re standing in line at the cash register? You talk about everything from the weather to the kids to food prices, whatever.

I noticed my register buddy was handsome and wasn’t wearing a wedding ring.  He had the salt and pepper thing going on in his beard, and very nice lips.  He didn’t have “those lips”.  You know the ones that make you fantasize about parts of your anatomy.  But nice lips none the less.  His jeans were very flattering to his rear, and his turtleneck and sweat shirt hugged a broad chest and nice arms.

 OK, so I did more than just “notice”! J

He pays for his stuff, tells me to have a great holiday and goes on his way. 

I pay for my stuff and head for the exit.  You know how some Walmarts have two sets of doors? Well it turns out that the door I was exiting from was the furthest from where I was parked.  Great, now I have to trek to the other side of the parking lot, in the frickin snow, with no umbrella, and its cold as heck.  As I’m making my way across the parking lot, I see my register buddy walking up one row of cars looking around. He yells to me that he’s forgotten where he parked.  We both laugh and keep doing what we’re doing.  I manage to find my car, which was a miracle because I have a terrible sense of direction and often forget where I park.

I get to my car and have to start getting the crap I’d bought into the trunk.  My hands and feet are freezing, and my head is wet cause I just walked from the other side of this big arse parking lot.  In the midst of my fighting hypothermia my register buddy appears in my peripheral vision.  His car, the one he was looking for, is parked right next to mine.

Your’re thinking, “Girl it was meant to be!”

He jokes about how he should have just followed me. (we both chuckle, chuckle, chuckle)

He mentions the crazy weather again, and how he was unprepared for Hurricane Sandy.  He had, he said, just returned from Botswana or some such place the day before the storm hit.  He’s pastor of a church and he was there doing some missionary work, blah blah blah.

And you’re thinking, “And he’s a man of God? Girl he’s better than the brother from the cereal aisle!”

Well register buddy is still talking.  I think he was telling me some more things about himself.  I can’t say for sure because my thoughts actually tuned him out.  What was I thinking about so hard?

Well it kinda went something like this:

“I bet wherever it was you said you just came from it was warmer than here. You couldn’t have this conversation while we were in Walmart?! Where it was warm! I’M COLD!! Have you not noticed how fast I’m trying to get this shit in the car?  Do you not see and hear my teeth chattering? See watch me blow on my hands! My glasses are so wet I can barely see your ass!”

I guess some sort of frustration (maybe even anger cause I was getting pissed off) must have shown on my face, cause he just sort of stopped in mid thought and said he’ll let me go and for me to have a nice holiday.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Dummy! That could have been your blessing!”

I have to admit that in hindsight I had been thinking the same thing.  BUT!! I also believe that if anybody’s timing is always perfect, it’s God’s.  Wanting to tell me all about yourself while I’m catching pneumonia in the bitter cold is far from perfect timing! How could I possibly focus on register buddy if I’m too concerned about frost bite?!!

I’ve concluded (and this makes me feel soooo much better) that register buddy was just God’s way of ensuring me, and anybody else still looking for their soulmate, that there are still eligible brothas out there. 

So I’m here to spread the word!! To all my single sistas: Don’t give up! Mr. Right is headed your way!!

THE GIFT!

OK, so you got through Thanksgiving. You stood in long lines at Best Buy, Toy-R-Us, Walmart and Target on Black Friday.  You managed to get your son the new Wii U video game system and 2 additional games.  You got your baby girl the Leap Frog reader, and your teenage niece some new Uggs.  That’s not to mention hitting the malls all weekend for clothes, scarves, hats, and gloves for friends, family, co-workers, etc.  You even intend to get a Dunkin Donuts giftcard for the mailman.

And still there’s more to do!! Oh well! Tis the Season!!

But even with all you’ve done, and still need to do, you haven’t bought anything yet for your new boo.

You met him last July at your cousin’s 4^th of July cookout.  Things are going pretty good, but there’ve been a few hiccups along the way.

Like there were a couple of times you two were supposed to be going out and he didn’t show.   He told you he’d fallen asleep.

And the time he spent the night at your house and took his cell phone into the bathroom to take a call at 2:00 o’clock in the morning . 

There have been times when you’ve blown up his cell and texted him like a fiend, but still 3 days went by before you heard from him.

Like I said, hiccups. 

Now Christmas is upon us and you want to get him something truly special.  You spotted a fierce North Face jacket at Nordstroms for $350.00, and the Ralph Lauren store had some really nice sweaters on sale for $50.  You not only want your man to look good, but you want him to know you’re feeling him like that.

You should be hearing tires screeching right now!!!

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND!! Listen up Boo-Boo, that North Face jacket is not going to make that man want you anymore than he does right now.  In fact, it may just make him want you to spend more money on him!  You don’t truly know the nature of your relationship with this man yet.  If you spend $350 on a jacket and that man shows up with some $5 house slippers or no gift at all, you’ll not only be pissed – you’ll be heartbroken.

There are 3 ways to approach this situation:

DON’T BE SKERD!!: Its time you and Mr. Hiccup had a talk.  Take your big girl pill and a just ask him if he wants to exchange Christmas gifts.  This way, if he says no then you won’t waste your time or money.

SMORGASBORD IT!!: Set a budget for yourself of about $50-$60.  Then unleash your inner bargain shopper! Hit Marshalls, TJ Max, Ross, Kohl’s and any other store you can think of.  Hit the clearance racks at Nordstroms, Bloomingdales, and Sax Fifth Avenue.  Quiet as its kept, these high end stores run some great sales.  Don’t wrap everything in one box, split it up into as many boxes as you can.  He’ll feel like you really went all out to shop for him. 

IF IT’S EATING YOU UP INSIDE: OK!  OK! You feel like you have to buy that North Face jacket….geez! Do the jacket and a small smorgasbord.  Don’t pull the jacket out.  If he shows up with nothing, a basket of bath salts he picked up at PathMark for $10 on his way to your house, or those Family Dollar slippers, you can take North Face back to the store and get your money back!!

The key to the last 2 suggestions is that he gets to open as many boxes as you want to give him.  Let’s just be honest.  Mr. Hiccup may only deserve to open one box.

Now, you may think my suggestions aren’t in the spirit of giving – I can’t disagree with you more! The fact that you wanted to give him a Christmas present is huge in and of itself. 

But take care! Your boo is new to your world, and you don’t really know where you stand in his. 

And let’s face it, that North Face jacket is a “here’s my heart” gift.