THAT CRUMB COAT!!

Let me start this blog by giving a shoutout to 4 awesome sistas!

Ondria, Melanie and Tawana are the owners, proprietors, and creative minds of Purses and Proverbs.  Never heard of it? That’s why you have me! Purses and Proverbs is a “creative space and boutique”. You wanna make scented candles? A resin pocketbook? A journal with a painted cover? You wanna take those bills and make beautiful jewelry? (I know....MIND BLOWN!) Going through some things and you just need to woosah? Purses and Proverbs is the place to go! Go on to their website and check out the workshops. Grab a couple of your BFF’s, or go alone. (cause you know sometimes we need some “me” time away from even our friends) The atmosphere is calming, welcoming, and a hell of a lot of fun! You will thank me later!  https://pursesandproverbs.com/

Tomyka is the owner, proprietor, and creative mind of Sweet Lue’s Cake Studio. (Her buttercream icing makes you want to slap somebody!) Tomyka recently did a cake decorating workshop at….you guessed it!....Purses and Proverbs!  I’ve watched my Grandmother, Mother, and various Aunts put icing on cakes, but never realized there is an actual art to the whole process.  A proper way to hold the spatula, to turn the lazy susan, and so much more. And of course, in Tomyka’s workshop we decorated our cakes with silk flowers, edible foils, sprinkles and the like.  I may not be ready to start a wedding cake business but my cake was sooo  preeetttyyy!!  https://sweetluescakestudio.com/

You can check out both these phenomenal black owned businesses on Facebook and Instagram.

NOW ON WITH THE SHOW!

When decorating your cake, you stack your layers, and put your icing and/or filling in between.  Then comes the all important CRUMB COAT!

The crumb coat is a thin layer of icing over the cake before you put on the final icing layer.  The 2 reasons you want to crumb coat your cake is to (1) catch any loose crumbs that might try to show up in your final layer; and (2) to create a smooth surface for your final layer.

Did you ever realize that we all walk around wearing a crumb coat?  It’s true!

How many times have you put on a smile to get through your workday, even though things are falling apart at home?  How many times have you laughed in a room filled with family and friends yet felt like you were facing the world alone?

Or are you one of those people who wears their frustrations on their sleeve. Your man made you mad this morning so you’re growling at everyone at work. Maybe you need to touch-up your crumb coat.

Your finances are in chaos so all you talk about is money and how much you need more of it.  Do you realize this behavior makes people feel like you’re constantly begging? (You need a crumb coat, BADLY!!!)

You wear your crumb coat to hide the bits and pieces of your life, or yourself, you don’t want the rest of the world to see.  But be careful! It’s easy to skip the crumb coat and go straight to the final layer.  That’s when you’re hiding from yourself.  It’s called being in denial.

You convince yourself you can afford that $600 car note, even though you struggle every month just to pay your rent.  You just got your cell phone turned back on, and your lights are about to be turned off, but you take your tax refund and buy that $500 Hermes pocketbook anyway. 

Guess what?! Nobody’s fooled. Nobody’s impressed! You’re a fake, and everyone around you knows it.  There are so many crumbs in that pretty decorative layer you’ve covered yourself in that you look unappetizing.  Your crumbs on display for all the world to see.  You lather on more icing…yeah that’ll fix it…. SMH! How long are you going to keep that up? You’ll either run out of icing, or you’ll collapse from the weight of it.

So, how is your crumb coat? Do you have one? Is it just thick enough to keep your crumbs hidden?

Don’t know where to start with your crumb coat? Not sure how to hold the spatula? Start here:

“The Lord is my shephard…”

Don’t worry if you don’t know the rest of the Psalm. HE just wants you to keep talking, and HE’LL guide you from there!

PUT THE RAG ON IT!

Ever had your shoes polished by the Shoe Shine Man?   I’m not talking about the shop where you can drop off your shoes and pick them up later.  I’m talking about the Shoe Shine Man where you sit in the seat with your foot up on the foot rest.  Have you ever watched him work?

When you sit down, the Shoe Shine Man applies the polish paste to the shoe using a soft rag.  He does so in small circles, not smearing or slathering it on.  He’s working the polish into the leather, because it has conditioners and other things to help nourish and protect the leather.  Once the polish has been applied he grabs his brush and begins to vigorously buff your shoe; again, working the nourishing and protective qualities of the polish into the leather.  You’re thinking, “WOW!  My shoe is looking good now!”    

But he’s not finished! 

The Shoe Shine Man reaches into his back pocket – I don’t know why its always in his back pocket – and whips out a rag.  WHAP!

He puts that rag on that shoe like piranha in a feeding frenzy.  WHAP!

Even spanking it a few times.  WHAP! WHAP! 

When he’s done putting that rag on it your shoe has a mirror finish.

A new lover wanting to cage you is a similar process.  No really!!

Let’s say you really really like this new guy you’re dating, and the sexual attraction between you two is getting hard to resist.  So one night you stop resisting and the sex is ALL that.  Hooray for you! You’re living in the moment, and doing your happy dance! Your guy tells you he wants the two of you to be exclusive and to see where this thing goes.  (That’s man speak for: I’m not going to be around to put a lock on it so I need you to lock it down for me.)  Otherwise, just get to it buddy!

Your new lover, your new Shoe Shine Man, polished and buffed the hell out of your shoes.  You’re feeling confident and mighty sexy.  You are moving through the world to the tune of dick! The hormones flowing through your system are going to drive your body to hunt.  To hunt, quite frankly, for more dick.  (Yeah, its a little crude but you’re a grown-up so deal with it!)

Now for some women that buffing is just fine, and they can be good until the next time the Shoe Shine Man pays them a visit.  BUUUT, not all women. 

Stop whining and I’ll explain why! 

Some women will never be corralled by a man who isn’t around to put the rag on the shoes he buffed!

Let’s say you got your shoes buffed Friday night.  You thought he was sleeping when you snuck into the bathroom Saturday morning to freshen up.   Like he’s gonna believe you wake up with minty fresh breath!  (But, you know how we do.)  Well, he wasn’t asleep.  He saw the extra sway in your hips that even you hadn’t noticed.  He knows he did a fine job and needs to put the lock in place.  He reaches into his back pocket for the rag!

Saturday morning, you’re his breakfast treat.  WHAP!

Saturday night he takes you out for dinner and dancing.  You’re against the wall in a bathroom stall.  WHAP!

Sunday, its against the wall in your living room.  WHAP!

Monday you meet him for lunch.  You’re on the hood of the car.  WHAP! WHAP!

 

Tuesday, you’re bent over the sofa.  WHAP! WHAP!

Wednesday, its his kitchen table. WHAP!  WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!

I know you get the picture because you’re panting and your eyes have glazed over!

When your Shoe Shine Man put the rag on it, he was satisfying your body’s need to hunt.  You’re prancing around throwing off all kinds of physical and chemical signals into the ether and catching the attention of other men.  With a sassy “How you doin?”  YOU ARE WIDE OPEN! (In case you were wondering: That’s why it seems like other men suddenly become interested in you after some man has buffed your shoes.) 

A smart Shoe Shine Man, and yours is pretty smart, can’t have you moving through the world to the tune of dick.  You’re liable to do something stupid!

NOPE! He needs you moving through the world to the tune of HIS dick. 

When he’s done your body will have all kinds of muscle memory.  The chemicals you emit into the ether will be comingled with his.  A signal to other men that someone has already locked you down and caged the tigress.

And you?  Your mind will be clear.  Laser focused.  Not clouded by the hormonal changes in your body.  Your co-workers will be wondering what’s gotten into you.  They’ve never seen you work so efficiently.  Your trainer will be stunned.  No whining about burpees from you.  He asked for 25 and you gave him 50.  You can do the NY Times crossword puzzle in 3 minutes flat.  YOU’RE A BEAST!

And with your body tamed and your mind clear, you are now open and able to explore the possibilities of a new, and hopefully, lasting relationship.

 

So, how is your Shoe Shine Man?  Has he put the rag on it? Or are you hunting?

PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE!

You make New Year resolutions every year.  In the past, some are started but then set aside for one reason or another, and some have been forgotten within hours, okay sometimes minutes, of having been made.  A recurring resolution for you these past couple of years has been that you're going to date more.  It always seems like you get caught up in just everyday life stuff.  The house.  The kids. Work.  Something always gets in the way, or you convince yourself that you need to wait until the time is right.

"But this year is going to be different! DAMMIT!!  There will always be some new drama or some new fire that has to be put out.  I'm going to make right now the right time!  I'm going to put myself out there!!"

THAT'S THE SPIRIT! HOORAY FOR YOU!!

So far your plan is in full effect! But now that operation "Put Yourself Out There" has commenced, you're faced with a dilemma.  "How far out there are you willing to go? And what does that even mean?"

Maybe you should put on the brakes in your plan until you figure it out?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!!!

You don't know how far out there you're willing to go because you haven't seen whats offered.  You need to think of this as a  new adventure.  Don't implement your plan with the goal or even hope of finding your soul mate.  That's precisely how many of us end up in relationships that are unhealthy and a waste of time.  Having given our hearts to someone who doesn't deserve it.  BUMP THAT!!

Implement your plan with the goal of learning about you.  You'll be surprised to learn that you don't know you as well as you think you do.

For you, camping meant roughing it at Motel 6 while eating gas station hot dogs.  You went camping when you were a girl scout, and you failed to see the wonder of it then, and nothing has changed.  But a new......ummmm lets call them Adventure Interests......a new Adventure Interest loves the outdoors. Pitching a tent and fishing are his favorite activities.  He convinces you to go camping with him. You have been trying think of a way out of it.  Looks like you're stuck.  He takes you to a beautiful spot overlooking a lake.  The sunset is amazing.  And the fish! He used some herbs he'd brought with him, wrapped the fish in a leaf, and roasted it over the camp fire.  It was the best damn fish you ever tasted!! And then you really learned just how much fun sharing a tent can be! "WOW! Camping isn't so bad when you're with someone who knows what they're doing." :-p

Another Adventure Interest is into auto racing.  You are soooo not interested.  Just some cars driving really really fast in a circle.  You'll pass.  But he's really cute, funny, and sexy as all get out.  Your libido convinces you to accept his invitation to join he and the crew in the pit. (Lets be honest men aren't the only ones who sometimes don't think with the head on their shoulders!) You can help out!   (OY VEY!!) He's excited that you're going to be there, and you're hoping for a hurricane.   The experience is nothing like you imagined.  You didn't get a chance to sit down the entire race.  The pace was frenetic!  There was always something that needed to be done.  And the pace would get kicked up a notch when the car pulled in for fueling and what not.  That evening you and your team (because that's how you think of them now) go to a local dive for the best steak you ever had.  You had such a fantastic time that you're going with them to a race in South Carolina next month.  WOOHOO!!!

So, "putting yourself out there" should mean opening your mind and world to new experiences.  Let life happen and live it to the fullest!! Your soul mate will find you along the way.  With any luck you'll learn to love something new that you can share with family, friends, or even you next Adventure Interest.
 

REALITY CHECK

As life would have it, you’re always going through something.  There are always difficulties, stresses, drama, or even just simple annoyances.  The events in your life could range from worrying how to feed your children to not being able to find the scarf that matches your blouse.

Some of these things are caused by external factors beyond your control, and some by you.  Some the result of your own actions and thought processes. 

Take relationships for instance.  Your partner or significant other is not the person you thought they were.  As a result, the relationship cannot last.  If you stay in it it will destroy you.  You’re hurt and disappointed.

What if some of the hurt and disappointment is of your own making? 

Yeah, I’m playing devil’s advocate here but stay with me.

Your hurt and disappointment may be the result of your partner or significant other not living up to the “idea” of them that you fabricated in your own mind. A fabrication they neither asked for nor encouraged.

Your car seems to be running a little hot. Your husband should check the oil and coolant levels, or take it to the shop.  He should do these things because he’s “the man” and it’s his responsibility to take care of and provide for you.  In your mind, this perfect husband would say “Here babe you take my car and I’ll take yours to the shop.”  

You’ve been watching waaaay too many Tyler Perry movies!

That man didn’t put oil and coolant in his car until the engine overheated and started smoking.  The check engine light in his car came on and he ignored it until the car finally died on the side of the road.

And you think he’ll take care of yours? REALLY?

This is a mild example of what we sometimes do, but it makes my point nonetheless.  You attempted to imprint the “idea” of that perfect husband on to someone far from perfect.  That potential to be the person you want or need.  YOUR idea!

You’re hurt and disappointed because you fail to accept that man the way he is.  You ignored the signs, or thought you could mold him into what YOU want him to be.  The fact is, you knew what you were getting.  No matter how hard you wish on it that cubic zirconia in your hand will always be a cubic zirconia.  It will not magically become a diamond.

I’m not suggesting that people can’t change! I’m not suggesting that the right person can’t make another want to be better.  Do better.  But that man has never tried to elevate himself to your fantasy levels.  If he never cared about your sexual gratification after 2 years of bumping uglies while you were dating, how on earth can you still be holding that over his head after 17 years of marriage?  He should look at you like you’re crazy!

So, as you take stock of the relationship, ask yourself if some of his perceived failures or shortcomings are more the result of your “idea” of him.  You may even find that if you’d accepted him just the way he is from the very beginning, you probably never would have married him.

Removing Seats From The Table

You know I hadn't realized I didn't blog at all in 2017.  WTF?!?!?! 

In any event, I do have some words of wisdom for the coming new year. First, lets recap. Hopefully, you're still making use of a good time fund and a dream keeper (don't forget to go through it and clean it out).  I hope you found that hobby we talked about, and made 2017 different. 

So lets talk about 2018.

Recently a friend said to me that her 2018 was going to be about removing seats from the table.

I'll give y'all a minute to absorb that.  Because DAMN I love the symbolism!!

Removing. Seats. From. The. Table.

Some of you have a person, or people, in your lives who should not or need not be there.  This person not only has a seat at the table that is your life, but they're seated directly to your left or right.  With that kind of close and constant access to you they can continue to whisper in your ear.  They can occupy your time to the point that you're ignoring, or have forgotten about, the other people at your table.  Or even forgot about yourself.

TYPE ONE:  You've begun to notice that this person always has some chaos around them.  Some drama.  That chaos or drama may not even directly involve you, but they always manage to drag you into it.  Worse yet, now that I've got you thinking about it, this person has often been at the center of or someway involved in chaos and drama that erupted in your own life. 

They're quick to spread rumors, violate a confidence, or talk you out of something that would be beneficial for you.  Remember when you wanted to follow the Dave Ramsey plan to get control of your money and your debt.  That person told you it was stupid and would never work.  You bought that bullshit even though you know friends and family who found great success under the plan.  The little whisperer worked on you constantly.  Even encouraged you into spending that only caused your financial situation to continue to spiral out of control.

Remove their seat from the table.

TYPE TWO:  Sometimes, the person is someone will do anything for you.  Ready to lend a hand whenever you need it.  Sounds ideal right? But as you think about where you want your life to be, how you want to grow as a person, you begin to realize that this individual is in fact a weight holding you back.  That as much as you wish it weren't true, this person either doesn't want to grow or is incapable of it.  And so they do things to try to make you comfortable at their level.  To lull you into a sort of stasis; a stagnation.  A point at which your growth has stalled.  Or having stalled your growth because you're too busy trying to drag them along.  Your star can never reach its full shine potential if you're constantly feeding your energy into a black hole.

I know what you're thinking: "Perhaps I can just put some seats between us.  Not give this person such direct and immediate access to me.  Maybe that'll work?"  Maybe.  But if your relationship is on a more intimate and emotional level you'll begin to resent this person.  Leaves a bitter taste in your mouth doesn't it? 

Remove their seat from the table.

Sometimes a person is simply meant to be a guest at your table: there for pie and coffee, or a glass of wine.  You may have someone at your table whose trying to become a permanent fixture, but shouldn't be.  They were invited for breakfast.  But they want to stay for lunch, dinner, and a midnight snack.  Some are up to no good.  Sent by the enemy to disrupt and destroy.  Some mean you no harm.  May even love you.  But they're causing harm just the same.

Think of it this way.  You're dining table seats six.  You've put as many as eight people to the table.  Folks squeezed closer together, and you brought up 2 folding chairs from the basement.  Those folding chairs were temporary and NEVER meant to remain at the table long-term. 

Get the picture?

Make 2018 you year to remove seats from your table.  Take stock of who has access to you and yours, and their purpose and contribution.  It doesn't matter if the person is truly unwanted, or a guest that has over stayed their welcome, escort them to the door.  (Remember how your mama raised you and only be rude if you have to be!)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

MAKE 2017 DIFFERENT!!

Well another year is coming to a close, and I feel compelled to share words of wisdom.  No, no, bowing isn't necessary; you're too kind.  I do this out of love :-). 

So here we go:

1.  Stop poisoning the good times! - You can't stand your job! You can't stand the people at your job!  You bitch about it to family, friends, the lady on the bus, anybody you can.  If you can't stand that job, why do you talk about it so much?!! You spend 8-9 hours of your day doing something you don't enjoy with people you don't like.  But when you get the opportunity to do something you do enjoy, you spend 4-5 hours talking about the thing you didn't enjoy.  The result:  You just ruined your own good time! Stop it!

2.  Do something new! - Every year it's the same damn thing.  Your routine hasn't changed in decades.  You go to the same place for vacation, or do the same thing every weekend.  Try doing something different. Drive to Delaware. Why? Well, why not? Have you ever been there? Might be nice. Find out what the sights are! Do something to keep life interesting!!

3.  Dump the baggage! - Let's face it, there are people in your life that bring nothing but drama, misery and chaos. LET THEM GO! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE KNOWN THEM FOR 20 YEARS!! Life brings its own challenges without some idiot adding to it unnecessarily! Especially an idiot you can get rid of.  If she asks you why you stopped inviting her to your dinner parties just be honest: Because you always get stupid drunk and show your ass.  ENOUGH!!

4.  Stop letting people push your buttons! - Take everything as a learning experience. You have a friend who's talked about the two of you starting a business.  You finally agree, and you divide up the responsibilities to make calls and inquiries.  But she never has her shit together, and always has an excuse as to why some task isn't complete. You keep stepping in to pick up the slack. There's no need to fuss and shout.  Just accept that this friend isn't reliable, and not someone you want to be in business with. Just keep it moving!

Let the coming new year find you and yours on the path to grace, wealth and glory!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

PRIVATE…..NO ADMITTANCE

Well you’ve made it through Christmas and Hanukkah, and the year is nearly over.  That means it’s the time of year I share with you some of my thoughts – JENuine Truths.  And hopefully provide advice to make the coming year better than the last. 

I was thinking maybe we need to do a little recap of the past couple years.  Just in case there’s stuff we’ve forgotten.

So here we go!

10/28/2011:  I talked to you about the resources God puts in your path to help you achieve success.  The goal for the coming year was to identify and make use of those resources.  Here’s an example: You want a promotion, but realize you lack even basic academic training to move to the next level.  You’ve spent the last several years complaining about needing more money, but doing nothing about it.  The company offers some tuition assistance, so what the heck are you waiting for?  OK, so it won’t be enough to help you work on your masters, or even your bachelor’s degree.  But it would be a big help paying for some classes at the community college.  RESOURCES!!!

12/4/2012:  “Dream Keeper” – You were going to develop a dream keeper if you didn’t already have one.  For those of you who had dream keepers you were going to: (1) remove the clutter; (2) add, update, and amend; (3) elevate by taking advantage of resources; and (4) make periodic reviews of your dream keeper.  Just like shampooing your hair.  Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

12/28/2014:  GOOD TIME FUND!! Hopefully you were all successful with your saving.  If not, don’t be discouraged.  Now’s the time to be honest with yourself about what went wrong.  Did you set the bar a little too high? Did you fall behind and found it impossible to catch up?  Did you lose focus and started dipping into your good time fund? (Looking at you over the top of my glasses) We will do better in 2016! Remember, it’s not about lowering expectations, but about laying the foundation for success.

12/31/2014:  You were supposed to find a hobby.  I know some of you still think that’s silly, but if you found yourself in a Barnes and Noble during the holiday season you’d have seen a wide array of coloring books for adults. Yeah, coloring books! No not that kind! You’re so fresh!  The coloring books had designs to promote meditation, to soothe, to destress.  Just as I told you a hobby would help you do! You need something that will give your brain some down time from the everyday struggle.  Hobby. Find one.

Now that we’ve been reminded of all the things we should still be doing, let’s talk about the coming year. 

This is what I want you to do when you go back to work after January 1:

Day One: I want you to go to work commando.  To clarify, I want you to go without underwear.  Ladies bras are optional.  I want you wait for everyone to get settled, then send   emails, or get on the PA system, and announce your commando-ness to the entire company. 

Day Two: I want you to send emails, or get on the PA system again, and tell everyone whether or not you had sex the night before.  If you did, describe it - in detail - and tell everyone if it was good or not.  

I could go on, but I think I’m losing some of you so I’ll stop right there.

Besides thinking I’ve completely lost my mind, you’re probably thinking that none of the things I’ve asked you to share with your unsuspecting co-workers is any of their business.

I agree with you 100%. 

But I can’t help but wonder why you think you shouldn’t tell these things to your co-workers via the company email or PA system when you tell it to the rest of the world on Facebook and twitter!

SOME OF YOU HAVE LOST YOUR DAMN MINDS!!  MAYBE YOUR MAMA DIDN’T SMACK YOU ENOUGH!

You’re putting some of the most intimate details of your life out here for the world to see. 

Couples are having arguments through their Facebook and twitter accounts.  WTF!!!

You’re seeking advice from folks that don’t have a dog in your fight!  You know you can’t afford that Mercedes SUV, so you look for validation and justification from people on your “friends list”.  NEWSFLASH: Everybody on your friends list ain’t your friend!  None of those folks will be able to help you pay your car note or car insurance if you have even a minor financial setback.  And we all know even a minor financial setback can take a long time to recover from. 

Decisions that could have a profound effect on you and yours should be discussed within the walls of your home. Problems in your house should stay in your house. 

Here is your challenge for 2016:

TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!!

Take back you privacy! Your family’s privacy! Take back your common sense!! (You want to know about the quality of a diamond? You ask a jeweler.  You don’t ask crazy cousin RayRay, who thought the glass vase he bought at Walmart was Swarovski crystal!)

Suspend your Facebook and twitter accounts if you have to.  Shut them down!

Make 2016 the year you stop making your business everybody else’s business.

MUCH LOVE and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!