Romance?

I’ve noticed that whenever any of us are asked what kind of characteristics we want in a man, we are quick to say we want a guy who’s a romantic.  Then we describe a romantic as someone who will take us to a nice expensive dinner, sunset walk on the beach, blah blah blah.  Don’t get me wrong, these things are ‘romantic”.  But is it really romance?

I’m not so sure! I mean a lying, cheating, snake in the grass can take you to an expensive restaurant and walk with you on the beach.  He could do this while thinking of another person.  He could do these things, drop you off at your door, and keep on moving.

Romance, I believe, is more than just making dinner reservations.  Romance is making dinner reservations at a restaurant you know he can’t afford, but he’s saved money for months so that he can give you this night.

Romance is your man calling you at work in the middle of the day, on your office phone, just to talk sexy to you.  Knowing you can’t talk back.  Leaving you hot, bothered, and blushing from head to toe.

Romance is an impromptu getaway.  You get home Friday from work, and he’s already packed a bag.  He’s bought tickets for the two of you to take one of those cruises to nowhere; out into the middle of the ocean and back. 

Romance is setting up a picnic in the middle of the living room floor when there’s a major snow storm outside.  Big fluffy pillows, candle light, a few bottles of wine, and maybe even a board game. (Some of you are thinking “Spin the Bottle”…..you’re so fresh!)

The point is, I believe romance is two people spending quality time together, just enjoying each others’ company.  There’s no holiday, birthday, or anniversary.  It is during these times that you learn the most about your partner.  Their dreams and ambitions – he’s always wanted to learn to fly.  Their secrets – he cries when he watches “Gone With The Wind”, and likes to sing songs from the “Grease” soundtrack when he’s in the shower. 

You learn the things that really make them tick. 

I know what you’re thinking, “Men don’t think of stuff like this!” Admittedly most don’t.  But that’s why we’re the superior sex ;-). You, can plan an evening of romance.  Make it fun and sexy! Then tell him he has to plan one.  Make it part of your time together, like date night!  Spread it out, every couple of months or so.  That’ll keep it special.

He gets to choose the theme for his planned night of romance.  So if its basketball, accept that and keep it moving.  In fact, tell him he can’t tell you the theme.  His turn is in November.  He doesn’t have to tell you the day unless it requires you taking time off from work. 

See  how creative your man and get! He just might surprise you!!

Are you taking notes?

Here is an old text that I think a friend needs right now:

The bible says “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall” (Psalm 55:22), and “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

But does this mean that God will take care of all your problems? Or does he give some back to you to handle? I believe he does. He doesn’t abandon you. But, like any good parent, he knows there are some problems you have to work through in order to understand and avoid them again; or he knows that you know what you need to do, but are reluctant to do it. Before you begin shaking your head no think about it! When a baby is learning to walk you encourage him to take steps. You move further and further away from him, so that he’ll take more steps, learn to stay upright and get used to walking.  Because you can’t carry him his whole life. Remember the picture of two sets of footprints in the sand then one set of prints, blah blah blah?

God wants you to be strong, and the only way for that to happen is to help you learn to walk on your own. God is always walking next to you, and ready to carry you if you need Him too. “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10)

When God gives a problem back to you it’s because he sees it as a teachable moment.  Be ready to learn!!

When he's got to go!

We all have our little quirks and annoying habits.  When we meet a guy with some annoying little habit we tend to try to look past it thinking, “I can correct that!”  It’s as if he’s the new puppy and while we really want to spank him for making poopoo on mommy’s new rug, we’ll overlook it and work on getting him house trained.  Don’t bother to deny it cause you know we do just that.  But every now and then, you meet a guy with some quirk or habit that is way over the top.  Here are a few things I’ve experienced along this path that were clear signs the brother had to go!

He doesn’t get out much – Imagine you’re in a restaurant sitting across the table from your date.  The zest he’s showing during the meal must mean what he ordered was really good.  So good in fact he puts his face to his plate to slurp the juice or gravy.  (I’m not making this up!)  If you get one of these, it means his momma didn’t slap him up side his head enough about his table manners.  There’s nothing you can do with him.  At this point he needs the dog whisperer or something.

Presumptuous – You’ve gone out with him a couple of times and you like what you’re seeing.  Handsome, attractive, sexy, intelligent…..mmmmm.  As the two of you head back to your place you’re thinking:

“Should I just give him some

Maybe

Is this the night for fun

Maybe”

(Maybe by Toni Braxton)

You hesitate because you don’t want to rush this.  He takes a seat on the sofa, and you head for the bathroom.  You haven’t given him any indication about what you’re thinking.  When you re-enter the living room, there he is: his shoes off and his feet propped up on your coffee table; his shirt unbuttoned; and his belt undone.  You have a WTF moment.  Here’s a brother whose decided that any decisions you thought you were gonna make have already been made.  No Boo!

I don’t know how to talk to a woman – This is your first date and you’re looking forward to learning more about this man.  His conversation all evening is about how much he likes your cleavage.  He likes the size of your butt, your lips…..blah blah blah.  The worse part about it is, not only does he think he’s a playa, he thinks he’s turning you on!  When I get that, ”Ooooo your breasts look so pretty from over here”, I usually say “They are! Now what kind of work do you do?”

Uh, are we together?  – I’m a little old fashioned! I like it when a man holds the door for me, stands when I leave the table, open and closes the car door, etc.  As much as I enjoy that kind of attention, I don’t necessarily look for it.  But a man being rude is completely unacceptable.  He’s gotten out of the car and is already 10 feet in front of me.  He bought my movie ticket, and him some popcorn.  After paying for his treats and stepping out of line he turns to me with,  “ Are you going to get you something?”  We get into the theatre, and he removes his coat and puts it on the seat between us.  And is completely confused later when I don’t even want to hold his hand, let alone any other part of his anatomy!!

His friend “Joe” – I think it’s really great when a guy has a friend he admires.  Particularly if the friend is doing well for himself.  Maybe the guy you’re with has the same aspirations.  I love a man working to move forward and up!  But when he spends most of the date with you telling you about Joe’s new car, new big house, how Joe started his own business and is really successful,  Joe’s big TV, etc.  I just cut to the chase and asked for Joe’s number.

When was the last time…  - How many times have you met a guy and he asked, ”When was the last time you were with someone?”  I’m always amazed by this question! For those of you who have not had this experience, the brother wants to know when was the last time you  had sex.  I’ve always wondered what could be going through a man’s mind when he asks that asinine question.  Do men think the longer you’ve been without, the more desperate you are, and the easier it will be for them?  HA!! Brothers! Listen up! A woman can get sex anytime she wants.  If a woman hasn’t had sex in a while it’s because she’s choosey about who she has sex with!  The next time some poopoohead asks you that question tell him, “The sex I had an hour ago was really good.  So what’s your name?”

never put off till tomorrow...

I went whale watching this weekend.  Unfortunately, due to overcast skies and large swells we were unable to spot any of the numerous humpback whales that make Delaware Bay their home this time of year.  We were however able to spot and identify more than 100 Atlantic bottlenose dolphins in the Bay.  We were thrilled to see several dolphin calves; some barely 24 hours old.

[Trivia: Did you know that dolphins live up to 5 years in captivity, but up to 50 years in the wild?  Did you know that Delaware Bay is the northern most breeding ground for the Atlantic bottlenose dolphin? --- Now you do! Learn something new everyday!!]   

Food and alcohol were served on the boat, and as is sometimes the case, some folks had a little too much to drink.  One such patron threw his plastic beer cup into the water when he was done.  Fortunately, one of the crew members was alerted and used a net to retrieve it.  My fellow passenger was encouraged to sit and not allowed to purchase any more alcohol.

Are you thinking now, what I thought at the time? ”What if one of the babies had gotten hurt or worse because it tried to eat the cup?”

How disconnected have we become?  I mean, not just to our environment and the other species with whom we share this planet, but with each other.  Why didn't any of this guys travelling companions care enough to cut him off?  Why didn't he cut himself off?  Did any of them tell him today that they were embarrassed?  Did he apologize today?  Was an apology today enough to make up for his embarrassing behavior yesterday?

What if instead, this guy had thrown a drug laced piece of candy into a school yard of little ones – you know, the daycare crowd – and one of the kids picked it up and put it in his mouth?   The dolphin have to deal with guys like the one on my boat throwing his garbage into the water.  Then I, and others on the road, have to deal with this same drunkard if he gets behind the wheel of a car.

The whole incident got me thinking of just how fragile the thread of life really is.

Imagine! One thoughtless or careless act, one angry word, one misguided assumption, one mistake could ruin it all. Could cause irreparable harm to a person (or thing), or damage to a relationship.

How diligent are you in monitoring your behavior? Do you think the things you do today won’t affect tomorrow?  Do you believe that you can keep putting things off until later?

The Bible says of your life, “You do not know about tomorrow.  What is your life like?  For you are a puff of smoke that appears for a short time and then vanishes.” (James 4:14)

Reconnect right now! Connect with a loved one, a close friend – heck connect with your pet lizard – just connect.  Let them know that you love them.  That you care.  That you pray they be healthy, happy, and safe.

Not only is tomorrow not promised to you, the next 5 minutes aren’t either!

Don't shoot the messenger!

Have you ever met a guy in a bar, club, supermarket, whatever, who’s trying to talk his talk with you but he’s married, unmarried but living with someone, or in some other way attached?  Nine times out of 10, if you ask him if he’s worried that his significant other is getting her thing on with someone else while he’s running the streets, he’d tell you no.  He believes she’s home with the kids, at choir rehearsal, or just sitting at home hoping he’ll come by.  He’s convinced he’s got that locked up.  His stuff is pure gold and there’s no way she could want another man.  We women know better!  So every time some guy spews this bullshit I can’t help but hear Johnnie Taylor singing in my head:

“Who’s making love to your old lady, while you were out making love?”

Now as wise as we women are, we seem to get all stupid when others are trying  to tell us our man isn’t keeping his love at home. 

Your momma told you she thought she saw your man’s car at another woman’s house.  But you dismiss it because your momma is old with bad eyesight.  You cousin Shirley told you she thought she saw your man at a club the other night, but she couldn’t get real close to make sure.  You dismiss this because Shirley loves to tell lies and cause chaos.  Finally, your best friend since the third grade, Yolanda, tells you she has seen your man riding around with some woman in his car.  That while on her date last night she spotted your man and this woman at Applebee’s.    

Now you see red!  Unfortunately however, your rage is directed at Yolanda.  All kinds of things go through your head. “She needs to mind her own damn business.  She’s just jealous cause she don’t have a man.  You talked to her a hundred times yesterday and she never mentioned she had a date.  Desperate bitch was probably following your man around.  And you know your man was at his mother’s last night helping his sister move some furniture around.  You talked to him while he was driving over there.” 

Now that you’re cocked and loaded, you’re ready to shoot the messenger!!

Well, before you go and ruin your friendship with the one person you know will be there to comfort you should you find out your man is cheating, I want you to listen up Calamity Jane!!!

Don’t blame the bearer of bad news! 

When someone comes to you with some news that your man may be stepping out, by all means you should think about their motives.  Yolanda has never come to you with this kind of stuff when it came to any of your boyfriends. You haven’t noticed any behavior from her that should lead you to believe she has some hidden agenda.  It may be time to face reality.  Especially if you’ve been suspecting your man is cheating.  (The key word here is “suspecting”!   No you shouldn’t jump in his face and accuse him of messing around unless you know it for certain!!)

What you should do is thank your friend for letting you know.  That if she should spot your man and this woman someplace she should just call you.  You’ll handle things from there.

Don’t let the warnings from friends and loved ones be signs you simply dismiss.  Be in your relationship with your eyes wide open!

You're a loving fool!

It’s his birthday and you have a very special evening planned.  You spent all day at the salon, and prepared an amazing dinner.  You plan to serve him in the hot new negligee you bought for the occasion.  You’re part of the dessert.  He’s supposed to be there at 7:30 and you want everything to be perfect.  You’ve put a lot of love into the evening. 

7:30 he hasn’t arrived….8:30…..10:00……you’ve been calling, and he hasn’t answered the house or cell phones.

He finally shows up about 11:00, telling you he had to help his cousin move.  Of course there  was no mention of a cousin, let alone helping one move, when you spoke with him earlier.  He likes the negligee, and the beautiful watch you bought him.  He’s not hungry but would appreciate your fixing a plate for him to take with him.  He’s not staying.  "Could you make two plates?" His cousin might want some. 

“Okay, so you’re heart is broken
You sit around mopin'
Cryin' and cryin'
You say you`re even thinkin' about dyin'
Well, before you do anything rash, dig this

Everybody plays the fool sometime
There's no exception to the rule
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
I ain't lyin', everybody plays the fool”

It’s Saturday morning.  The two of you had a great night last night, and having breakfast with him his wonderful.  You’ve done all that you can to show this man how much you love him.  He tells you a friend of his is having a birthday party next weekend and he’s headed to the mall to buy a new outfit.  You get hopeful that he’ll ask you to go to the party with him.  That doesn’t happen.  You then suggest you go to the mall with him to help put an outfit together, but he declines the invite.  “I’ll call you”, he says as he heads out the door.

I hate to be the one to break this to you Boo, but you’re in love by yourself.  In fact, I would bet dollars to donuts you already knew that.  You just refuse to accept it. 

“Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
And there's no guarantee that the one you love
Is gonna love you

Oh-oh-oh, lovin' eyes they cannot see
A certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean
You can cloud your mind with emotion

You think if you just hold on and keep trying he’ll eventually see the light.  You do everything you can to create a romantic environment, treating him like a king, and giving him great sex (you know it’s great because he always tells you how good it is). 

You’re a little too old to be that naïve don’t you think? Great sex will keep a man coming back, for more great sex!! You may have that man’s body for a time, but you never had his heart.

“How can you help it when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason is swept away
Oh-oh-oh, heaven on earth is all you see
You're out of touch with reality
And now you cry but when you do
Next time around someone cries for you”

You have two options: 1. You can accept that you’re in love by yourself but keep doing what you’re doing hoping he’ll make you his one and only; or 2. You can put him in the maintenance man category, give him your body on your terms, and keep looking for Mr. Right.

The choice is yours!

“Everybody plays the fool, sometime
They use your heart like a tool
Listen, baby, they never tell you so in school
I want to say it again
Everybody plays the fool
Listen to me, baby
Everybody plays the fool, sometime
(No exception) no exception to the rule
It may be factual, may be cruel, sometime
But everybody plays the fool
Listen, listen, baby
Everybody plays the fool”

(“Everybody Plays the Fool” by The Main Ingredient)

mirror, mirror on the wall......

You know, as we travel this road of life we meet all different types of people.   The people we come across, like ourselves, bring their own personal baggage and idiosyncrasies to the meet and greet.  The ones I find particularly amusing are the super-frauds.  The folks who want you to believe they’ve got it going on when they don’t.

You’ve worked with Brenda for 10 years now.  She’s always well dressed, wearing only the top designers, and is quick to point out that you do not.  If you were meeting her for the first time you’d swear she has a doting husband, a daughter whose the perfect princess, and lives in a palace.  She even has such conversations with you, somehow forgetting that you know her reality.  Brenda’s doting husband is prone to spending nights away from home.  Her daughter, the princess, has a D+ grade point average and quite a reputation with the boys basketball team.  Her palace is a pretty nice home in a fairly decent part of town.  The problem is she struggles to pay the $1,900 a month to her landlord (she doesn’t own her palace), and owes the utility company so much money that they won't turn the lights back on without a $2,000 payment.  

Then there’s Greg.  Greg is 36 years old, drives a beautiful car, is always well groomed, smells amazing, must have 30 designer watches, is extremely charming, and his Armani suits show off his very perfect body.  Greg is great eye candy.  Unlike many of the other women in your office, you know the candy is sour! Greg can drive his beautiful car because he lives with his girlfriend in her subsidized apartment in the projects. His designer watches are all replicas he bought off the streets of New York, and the “Armani” suits are bought from a guy selling suits out of the trunk of his car (they’re not real either).  The bag of chips the other women think he is, is mostly air.

We all know a few frauds, and we’ve all done some defrauding of our own from time to time.  It’s perfectly natural to want to present you and yours in the best light possible.  But some people take it to extremes; super-frauds.  They throw the fraud in your face every chance they get, forgetting you know the real deal.  They can get so bad sometimes that they attempt to belittle you in order to bolster their fraudulent credentials.  Brenda talks about your small house and your husband the garbage man.  You own  your home, and your husband is handling his business and holding it down. Greg makes subtle suggestions that you’re not attracted to him because you’re secretly gay – you’ve had him. His equipment is inadequate, his technique is nonexistent, and he’s a minute man.

 When facing the super-fraud its very tempting to say something to bring them down a notch.  You usually don’t because it’ll only lead to an ugly confrontation.   But when the super-fraud is belittling you it is perfectly ok to give them a gentle reality check.  For Brenda, you could walk over to her desk and quietly give her the numbers to organizations that they may be able to help her with that utility bill.  Ask Greg what days the guy he buys his suits from is set up outside his apartment building.

Put the super-frauds in your life on notice.  You’re more than willing to let them have their fantasy so long as they leave you out of it!!

“Better is a person of humble standing who nevertheless has a servant, than one who pretends to be somebody important yet has no food.” (Proverbs 12:9)

Windows did not shut down properly!

You find yourself walking in circles.  You’re jumping from one project, idea, or fire to another, but not accomplishing anything.  You feel pulled in a million directions.  The demands being made on your time and energy are beginning to take their toll.  You’re more emotional; feeling good one moment and depressed the next.  You’re about to lose your mind. 

When you get to a point like the one I just described, it’s time to shut out the world!

Close your office door, lock yourself in a bathroom stall, a closet, go out to the car, somewhere you won’t be disturbed.  You don’t need long, just a few minutes.

Once you’ve isolated yourself, take several deep breaths and clear your mind.  Don’t think about the report that’s due at the end of the day, or the numerous phone calls you have yet to return. Don’t think about the gift you have yet to buy for your cousin’s wedding this Saturday.  Don’t think about the tuition payment that’s due by the end of the month.  Don’t think about anything for a few minutes. 

What happens when you have to many programs open on your computer?  It slows down, or will shut down on you.  Your mind is the same way.  Give it a chance to reboot.

Now you’re ready to prioritize. Listen to the voicemail messages.  If nothing’s urgent then you can return the calls tomorrow.  You can always give your cousin a check, or go to a department store and get a gift card – let her pick out her own gift.  If the tuition payment is going to be a little short, make a note to contact the school first thing in the morning to set up a reasonable payment plan.  Put the note where you won’t fail to see it.  If possible, ask a co-worker to answer your line if it rings so that you can jump on that report.

Sometimes, when we get lost in our Wonder Woman impersonations we can find ourselves overwhelmed.  Even Wonder Woman returned to the island of the Amazon Women for a breather every now and then (some of you will remember the TV series).  You don’t even have to wait till you’re be overwhelmed.  Take a few minutes to give your brain a respite simply because it will help you focus better.  If you can’t prioritize your todo list in your head, write it down! The visual will put things in perspective.

Shut out the world sometimes, and focus on you!

Baggage

When you lived with Haneef the only time you were certain to get his part of the bill money was to show up at his job on payday, and be with him when the secretary handed him his check. When you dated Marcus he never had money to take you anywhere because he was supposedly helping his sister with her bills, so you paid for everything. When the sister put him out you learned it was because he could never keep a job, never had money, and had taken to stealing and pawning her jewelry. You’ve been living with Clay now for three months.  You make him take you out every weekend, and are quick to order the most expensive thing on the menu.  “He won’t get off cheap”, is your thinking.  You show up at his job on paydays to make sure you get his half of the bill money.  He’s asked you repeatedly to stop doing that.  It’s embarrassing.

The problem is you can’t help it.  Clay has handled his business from the start.  He had his own place when you met him, and had offered to have you move in with him.  But you wanted to be on your turf.  You treat him the way you do because you’re still carrying baggage from your previous relationships.

The only good thing that came out of your marriage was your two beautiful children.  You vowed you would never get married again.  You’ve been living with Nate for 15 years.  The two of you are living together as if you’re married; own the house together and have a son together.  He treats your two older children as if they were his.  A Good Man.  He’s asked you numerous times to marry him.  He’s really starting to press the issue because to him your refusal means that even after all this time you aren’t committed to the relationship.  You’re so busy toting around the baggage from your first marriage that you’re jeopardizing the good thing that you have with him.

Each relationship is a learning experience, and we should take from them lessons about ourselves.  But why do we want to punish our current partner for the misdeed of past partners? 

Here’s an idea.  It’s a rather dramatic one so you may want to sit down and hold on to something.  Here goes:  Leave the baggage behind.

I know! I know! I must be smoking something right?

I won’t even get into the unfairness to your new love interest, but what about the unfairness to you.  If you’re busy being angry, bitter, and vengeful about the way some guy in your past treated you, or the path a relationship took, how can you possibly focus on finding the man that’s right for you?  Your behavior may help lead Mr. Right right on out the door.

Learn what you must from every relationship.  If you had to show up at Haneef’s job then clearly he was irresponsible.  Is this someone you want to have to depend on should you become ill or incapacitated in some way? You could have dumped Marcus right away, it’s not like he was really bringing anything to the relationship.  And if he was stealing from his sister, the one who kept a roof over his head, you might want to check your own jewelry box. 

Trust your new man until he gives a reason not to.  Let him show you the type of man he is.

Leave your baggage at the door!!

It ain't cause of the color!

Maya Angelou once said “As far as I knew white women were never lonely, except in books.  White men adored them, Black men desired them and Black women worked for them”.

I can understand why Maya Angelou, given the time period she grew up in and the lack of information likely available to her, might have held those beliefs.  I must admit that I am absolutely astonished that so many of my Sistas still belief that nonsense.

What?  Are you locked in a closet 23 hours a day?

Look around you! Women of all shapes, sizes, and colors are having the same problems.  Yes, there are issues between Black men and women that need to be addressed.  But 99% of them are the same issues faced by men and women of other races. 

You sit in your car at a traffic light, trying not to cry.  Your man came in at 3:00 this morning and refused to talk with you about where he’d been.  You look to your left.  There’s a White woman in a very expensive car putting a few touches on her makeup.  You think to yourself, “I’m gonna get me a White man.  White women don’t have to put up with this kind of bullshit!”  Little do you know that the white woman was adding more makeup to hide the dark circles under her eyes.  That the scarf around her neck is hiding bruises.  That driving is extremely painful because he probably broke some of her ribs last night.  That the fight was with her ex-husband, the doctor, because he hasn’t paid child support in 6 months.  That the bank is looking to repossess the car she’s driving.  The car he’s supposed to be paying for.  That he raped her.

You sit at your desk, on hold with the utility company, trying to get them to take a small payment to turn the electricity back on.  Your man hasn’t worked in six months, and doesn’t seem to be looking for work.  The Asian lady from the next department comes by.  She’s always pleasant, and always has a smile.  You’re thinking, “I bet her man keeps the lights on”.  That’s easy because she’s only allowed to have them on for 2 hours a day.  She isn’t allowed on the bed unless he wants sex, and then she has to return to her pallet on the floor in the corner. 

If you and your man aren’t on the same page when it comes to dealing with issues in your relationship then maybe you need a new man.  Or maybe even a new you.  That man will do what you allow him to.  It hasn’t taken six months for you to realize he wasn’t going to look for work.  Hell, he hasn’t held a steady job since you met him.  (Yeah Boo, that was one of those road signs!) 

Don’t blame the color of his skin for your problems!  Don’t always believe the grass is greener in someone else’s back yard!

They may just be hiding the weeds better.

It's your Queendom!

We all want to feel special.  It’s a wonderful feeling when that man picks up a rose to bring to you just because, or he recognizes the efforts you’ve made to make your house a home.  Maybe one night he runs you a bath, bathes you and, using some warm baby oil, massages every inch of your body.  (It’s ok to take a deep sigh here J)

But we all know a few people who want to be special to everybody.  Thinking themselves entitled to some special treatment or consideration. 

You’re feeling really good this morning so you stop and get 2 dozen donuts for the office.  You keep it simple and get all glazed.  Everyone in the office thinks it was thoughtful of you and grabs donuts for their coffee.  But then there’s that one co-worker, let’s call her Nancy, who peers into the donut boxes with a frown.  She says to you, “All you got is glazed?  I wish you’d called and told me you were picking up donuts I’d have told you to get me 2 blueberry donuts.  I’m not a big fan of glazed donuts.”

You’re planning a girls night get together with your crew.  You plan to make a salad, maybe some baked beans, throw some chicken and burgers on the grill, cold drinks, good music, and great conversation.  You plan for about 10 women including yourself.  But your cousin Shonda, true to form,  shows up with a new beau and 2 of her girlfriends.  Folks you don’t know and didn’t invite.  She tells you, “They (meaning her beau and friends) didn’t have any plans for the evening so she figured they may as well come to your house with her for the cookout.”

Are you getting the picture?

Fortunately for folks like Shonda and Nancy you’re momma raised you to be nice.  You could tell Nancy to eat a glazed donut or nothing at all, and that you did not have nor ever will have any inclination to make a special call to find out what kind of donut she wants.   You could tell Shonda, in front of her guests, that they weren't invited and she'll just have to take them somewhere else. 

What the Nancys and Shondas of the world don’t understand is that YOU are Queen in your queendom.  That they are neither a princess nor duchess.  But part of the citizenry privileged enough to be in your immediate presence.  Their queendom does not usurp yours when you choose to do something gracious (LOL…I happen to know that you are a gracious queen).

The next time you’re faced with a Nancy or Shonda,  just look them in the eye and say:

WELCOME TO MY QUEENDOM!!

Your life

You make commitments that you’re certain will be easy to keep.  You expect commitments made to you to be kept.  They often aren’t.  Promises fall by the way side.  You long for companionship and a family of your own.  Life has not taken the path you wanted it to. 

You find yourself going in circles.  Occasionally taking a step sideways, but never really forward.  Looking to other people to make you happy only brings more disappointment because you haven’t accepted the fact that ultimately your happiness depends on you.  You try walking in the footsteps of  another to help you through this dark time.  But what is solid ground for one may be quicksand for you.  You must find your own path.  Make the tough choices.  Prolonging the inevitable won’t make any decision easier.

Instead, you hesitate.  Procrastinate.  Stagnate.

Now you’ve placed your trust in one tied to another.  Casting veils over your own doubt.  Again putting your happiness at the whim of someone else.  Where will this go?  Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?  Or is that simply a reflection of something on a track to nowhere?

Making plans for the future nearly becomes an effort in futility.  There are connections to your past that have not yet been severed.  How can you make any meaningful plans for your future when those conditions still exist?  Would any plans at this point be fair to children or a new love? 

Would these plans be fair to you? 

Floundering about in the shadows you’ve created is a difficult task.  The maze that has become your life will circle in on itself and collapse, trapping you in a cell in the center with no clear entry and exit points, if you don’t take control now!  Stop setting yourself up for failure!  Stop allowing YOUR life to go on around you! Be a participant!!

This is your moment!  This is your time!  Aren’t you ready?

P.S.  To my Sista-in-the-struggle, “T”:  HAPPY B’DAY! LOVE YA BOO!

  

Bag of apples!

You know what it’s like to buy a bag of apples from the supermarket right? The apples look pretty good through the plastic.  But when you get the bag home there’s always one or two that are a little too ripe and need to be eaten right away, or tossed out all together.  After having this experience a few times you pick another store to buy your apples.  I’ve decided that men are like buying a bag of apples, and that we need to change supermarkets.  Here are some of the things you may come across in your bag of apples:

He So Fine – Ladies I don’t know about anyone else but I do not want a man who thinks he’s prettier than I am.  Someone I have to compete with for time in the mirror.  I want my man to look good, and to know he looks good.  But when he thinks he needs to enter the room first so that all eyes are on him (male and female), we’ve got a problem.

Talon Toes – These are the guys who can’t wait to put on some flip flops or sandals and their toes look like eagle feet. The nails are long, there’s crust all around the toes, and the bottom of their feet look like the hoofs of a mountain goat.  If he’s not going to do his feet himself, you would think he’d go get a pedicure.

French Tip – It’s petty I know! But I detest when a man has long nails. And when they’re long and brown forget about it! Brothers!! There are things a woman wants you to do with your hands and long nails will not do!

Where’s the Grill? – Teeth.  He’s gotta have ‘em.  I don’t care if he has to start a paper route, collect cans, or climb cactus plants to make extra money.  A man has got to have teeth.  Not just any teeth either. Having a mouth full of rotten, cavity stricken, mud colored teeth is just as bad as not having any.  

Fashion Sense – Saw 2 guys the other day (yeah they were at the bus stop),  one was in red and the other in yellow.  Mr. Red had on a red wife beater, some long red shorts, red socks, red sneakers, and a red kango.  His buddy had on a similar outfit, but his was all yellow.  They looked like 2 giant M&M’s.  These were grown men, both looked to be in their late 40’s early 50’s, dressed as if they were little boys and momma had laid their clothes out.  Give me a break!!

Is it still there? – Yeah you know the one! He’s grabbing his crotch every 10 seconds like he’s afraid his stuff is going to fall off.  I can never tell if it’s a nervous twitch or if he’s copping a feel.  Sometimes he’ll just grab a hand full and shake it.  What’s that about?

Mr. Matrimony – He’s married, but didn’t tell you.  His excuse is, “You didn’t ask”.  Or “He’s sort of married”.  Oh yeah, they’re out there too.  He and the Mrs. "aren’t getting along right now”.  “She doesn’t understand him”.  Well when you give me some lame ass answer like “I’m sort of married”, I don’t understand you either.

Having been through a few bag of apples, I think we need an apple store in order to avoid the bad one.  Like Build-A-Bear!! Only we’ll be building the men we need and want. We can even call it Dancing Bear (Sike! Some of you will understand that reference ;-).  

So what do you say ladies.  Let’s start our own orchard! (That’s it!!! That could be the name of the store “Orchard”)

Handle it!!

You’re at a point in your life where there is no crossroad, no fork, not even a speed bump.  You’ve reached a great divide.  A rift so wide that it seems impossible to cross.  But you must!  You can’t afford to be stuck where you are, because the ground around the edges of the divide is crumbling.  The longer you stay where you are, the wider the divide becomes.

Does this scenario sound familiar?  Have you found yourself at the edge of the precipice more than once?  How many times have you stood there while the other side became further and further away?  How many times have you allowed yourself to stand on crumbling ground, and then wondered why you were falling?

Procrastination, indecision, and poor planning are your enemies!! Stop letting others talk you out of the things you need to do.  Friends and family mean well, but only you know the specifics of your particular situation.  You know how fast the ground beneath you is crumbling, or how quickly you need to make a decision.  If you waited until the 11^th hour, there is no one to blame but yourself.  Last minute decisions usually don’t account for some important aspect of your situation, and can make things worse.

Your son had a growth spurt this past spring.  You let the hem out of his pants, and tried not to leave them in the dryer too long in order to avoid more shrinkage.  His shirt sleeves were too short, and his shoes hurt his feet.  Now its August, and you’re complaining about not having the money for school clothes.  But wait! Didn’t you just buy a new Dooney & Bourke pocketbook? Playing big spender in front of your friends. Didn’t you just come back from homecoming in Atlanta?  You hadn’t planned to go because you couldn’t afford it, but your girls talked you into it since they learned your old boyfriend was going to be there. When you needed to rent a car for to head down to the party in Virginia Beach you didn’t want the Ford Focus at $125 for the weekend did you?  Oh no no no, you had to have the Lexus at $395 for the same time period! Trying to impress the very ones in the same damn boat as yourself.   How many shirts or pairs of pants could you have bought with the money you blew?  With some planning and forethought, you could have gotten clothes for your baby to start school and still had a good time this summer.

So, take your big girl pill and handle your business the way it’s supposed to be handled!!

The DMV dilemma!

Ummmmm……Is it me, or do there seem to be more and more brothers at the bus stop? 

I mean, I realize everyone doesn’t have a car for one reason or another; or that some people don’t drive to work.  If their employer doesn’t have a lot for employees then parking can be very expensive.  High gas prices don’t help either.  While I’m certainly not above using public transportation, I actually prefer it when travelling in and out of New York, it can limit the things you want to do.

But I still can’t help but wonder, "Why are there so many men at the bus stop?"

I know it sounds a bit stuck up, but I’m a little old fashioned, I don’t want to have to pick-up my date. I also don’t want to be the one doing all the driving.  And if we’re in my car I’d be doing the driving!

I’m not one to let others drive my car even under the best of circumstances, and if your papers aren’t right you definitely aren’t getting hold of my keys!!

As I ponder this dilemma I think of all the sisters I know with boyfriends who have DMV problems; licenses revoked or suspended because of unpaid tickets, DUI charges, etc.  These sisters still give these men the keys to the car, and then act surprised when they receive summonses because tickets he got while using the car haven’t been paid, and he failed to mention he’d gotten a ticket.  If he didn’t pay the tickets on his car, why the heck are they surprised he didn’t pay the tickets on theirs?

Even worse, some of these brothers aren’t trying to take care of their DMV mess.  Not trying to pay the fines, or do whatever they need to do to get their licenses back.  They just skip along singing la la la while holding their hands out for your car keys.  He wants to drive because he’s the man and should be the one driving you around. HA! Tell him to play big man with somebody elses ride.

Ladies, if you’re trying to go forward, then you want someone who’s trying to go forward too.  We all make mistakes.  But we also have to try to correct those mistakes.

  

A man not handling his business, sure as hell can’t help you handle yours!