The Pie that is Me

You may recall sometime ago I posted a blog comparing men to a bag of apples.  Recently, I was trying to figure out what we (women) are.  I’ve decided we’re like pies. We’re often complex but simple.  It sounds crazy but think about it.  If one thing is ruined – soggy crust, too tart – no one will want to eat your pie. (I know how that sounded but get your minds out of the gutter for a minute!)

I consider myself to be like a dutch apple pie.  The dutch apple pie is a complex layer of textures and flavor.  It has a delicious crust on the bottom and around the edges, and the top has crust laid in a lattice pattern.  It’s seasoned with the usual sugar, cinnamon, and allspice.  But can contain additional ingredients, like raisins. 

That’s me all the way!! Complex! Multi-dimentional!

I love art and the symphony, but am just as comfortable watching a karate movie or animation.  I enjoy trying new and exotic dishes but there’s no substitute for my Momma’s fried chicken and mac & cheese.  I love to laugh and be silly, but need the intellectual stimulation of discussing real life issues.  All of this make up the crust of the pie that is me.

The lattice represents my softer side.  I’m a big romantic – picnics in the livingroom while there’s a snow storm outside.  A nice bottle of wine, some cool jazz, and great conversation.  But hey, got tickets to a boxing match  I’m there too.  Even if its valentine’s day!

Now that I’ve identified my pie, I need an appropriate accompaniment.  Does the pie need ice cream, whip cream, a sprinkle of powdered sugar?  Or will a cup of joe be all that’s necessary?  A really sweet pie topped with sweet ice cream may be too much to finish.  A really tart pie won’t be pleasing to the palate. 

So this journey is about finding the accompaniment to the dutch apple pie that is me.  An accompaniment that will make my pie truly tasty. (hahaha….ok now you can go there! J)

 What kind of pie are you?

Success Is Yours!!

Journeys.  Life is full of them.  Some chosen, some not.  Some so unbelievable as to be surreal.  And while we may not always get to choose the journey, or even the path, I do believe how we come out at the end is something within our control. 

There are times during a journey we may make decisions counter-productive to success. 

Two years ago you decided to start your own wedding planning business.  But you can’t seem to get the business off the ground, and the few weddings you have been involved in have not gone off well.  It’s the client’s fault, you tell yourself and everyone else.  The truth is, you were always late and made promises you didn’t keep.  You never followed up with the florist, the caterer, or the management office at the banquet hall.  Your assistants were your teenage cousins, who spend most of their time looking at the guys and texting their friends. 

Your unwillingness to acknowledge your own shortcomings creates the environment for failure.

The bible tells us:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

I believe these verses refer to resources, and the Lord putting them in front of you.  The problems you’re experiencing in your wedding planning business may have been avoidable if you’d taken the time to attend the free “Starting and Managing a Business” seminar offered by the Small Business Administration.  Or perhaps you would have benefitted from serving for a short time as an assistant under the tutelage of a successful wedding planner.  You could have learned what pitfalls to avoid. 

Resources you chose to ignore.

So as we approach the end of the year, and start thinking about those New Year’s resolutions; again.  Take some time to think about the journey you may be on, and the one you’d like to be on.  What resources has God placed in your path that will help make the journey successful?  In the past, what resources did you ignore that contributed to failure?

Don’t buy into the concept that how you come out at the end of a journey or situation is beyond your control!! People who tell you that don’t realize you are supposed to be successful.  The bible says:

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11

Remember, any hurdle or mountain in your path that seems too daunting to get around, God has placed a resource somewhere to assist you.  Find it. Use it.

God has put success in the palm of your hand.  Don’t drop it!!

BRAVO!!

To Grasshopper:

You found yourself in a battle you didn’t want. Didn’t ask for. And tried to avoid.  But it came to you anyway.

You’re concerned about what people will think of you and the situation you find yourself in.  There are those around you who call themselves “friend”, but who waited for a call, some word, some sign that you had broken down, or had been beaten down.  Unable to care for yourself or your children.  Hospitalized. Sedated. Unable to function.  Some would even have been satisfied at that outcome.

But they don’t know the half of it.  Do they?

They don’t know there were times when you were knocked to the ground. 

Hell, there were times when your sword and shield were just too heavy to hold.  Times you dropped them and laid down.  Took the blows.  Told yourself “God, I can’t do this. I can’t handle it. It’s too hard.” 

But, somewhere there was a well of strength you drew from.  A well you had no idea was there.  And every time you got knocked down, got knocked back, or felt like giving up that well would feed you.  You’d get up, pick up your weapons, and keep fighting. 

Again. And again.

Now you stand on the other side of the bullshit.  The victory yours. 

Battle scarred. Armor dented. Shield cracked, and sword in hand.  Your feet planted on the path, while you stand guard over your Mini-Me’s.

You look toward the future. 

You don’t know what challenges lay ahead.  What battles you have yet to fight.  But with your shield held high, a firm grip on your sword, and the Holy Word in your pocket you can say emphatically, “I got this!”

And as for what people think? We the people

APPLAUD YOU!!

It's us!!

Recently, a friend of mine shared an experience with me that she and I both found puzzling, interesting, and disturbing all at the same time.  She apparently caught the eye of a guy who, by the way, she had also been checking out.  His approach?  He walked up to her, handed her his card, said “Use it”, and walked away.  

She was so unimpressed she used it to help add weight to the nearest trash can.

While this was my friend’s experience, we’ve all had something similarly crazy happen to us.

Maybe the guy who approached her thought he was being very cool and mysterious.  Instead he came across as a jerk.

I’ve blogged before about guys and how they’ve fallen waaaay short on how they approach us.  So I think we need to finally talk about how we encourage this bullshit.

My sisters, what the hell are we doing?  The guy who approached my friend, the man I met in the supermarket, the brotha you met at the club, all need to get their assess in gear.  When we settle for second best, we can’t be surprised when that’s what we get.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a man say “You’re too demanding!”  I always think “Really?” It’s too demanding to expect you to act like you have some damn sense?  What the heck is handing your card to a woman and saying “Use it”?  

The problem?  Some woman with low self esteem felt flattered by Mr. Here’s My Card.  She should have done what my friend did.

Let’s get something straight! Don’t believe the bullshit that there aren’t men out there who at the very least know how to approach you!! The problem isn’t the man.  The problem is you.  There's no need to ask yourself why you keep ending up with these guys that can’t cut the mustard.  It’s because you keep accepting them.  You’re going where they are!!

You love art.  You find going to the museum relaxing and inspiring.  You want someone who enjoys that too.  I’m not trying to suggest that the guy you met at the club doesn’t also enjoy those things, but the guy you met at the art museum is a better bet if that aspect is very important to you.

I think you need to take a step back and re-evaluate yourself, and what’s important to you in a partner.  You want a handy man? Don’t look at the guy who tells you he intends to call his building superintendent to change the standard light bulb in the bathroom. You want to be treated like you’re special? The guy you’ve been seeing since July, who can’t even give you a $50 gift card for Christmas is a losing bet. 

We want guys to step up their game? We have to step up ours! The first step in doing this is asking yourself: Are you worth it?

I think you are!  I think we are!! But you have to believe it! If you think the thug in the jersey and matching sneakers hanging on the corner is the best you can do, then that’s all you’ll get.  

There are better men out there!  We just have to know where to look.

Love You More

Here we go again! Another woman getting your man’s attention.  More arguing.  More fighting.  More excuses.  Not from him, but for him.  Excuses created by you.

Can you recognize when you love too much? 

Or maybe the better question is: Can you recognize when you don’t love you enough?

  

“My baby's fine
He always keeps me guessing
But never keeps me guessing about his love
He's had more girls than Howard Hughes had money
and you may think it funny when I say he loves me only
and who are you to say what he did when I was not around
just because I fell in love with Casanova Brown”

Its 3:00 a.m. and he just staggered in.  You won’t ask him where’s been because it’ll only start an argument.  He pushes on your shoulder to tell you he’s hungry.  “Fix me some eggs or something”, he says.  You grumble and do just a little fussing.  But its enough to start him to screaming, cursing, and calling you every kind of bitch he can think of.  You make more excuses for him.  While you’re fixing his eggs.

“Act 2 scene 5 is my command performance
my name is clairvoyance and it's all too clear
I was the one who said tune in tomorrow
I think about tomorrow, even when I am asleep and
who are you to say what I did when you weren’t around
just because I fell in love with you Casanova Brown”

You plan a nice romantic evening.  He, of course, doesn’t come straight home.  It’s 10:00 pm when he finally walks in.  You demand to know where he’s been.  The fighting starts.  He throws everything from the table; dishes, food; everything.  He’s throwing them at you.  The punches and kicks are next.  It’s the alcohol you tell yourself.  He really does love me but the liquor makes him crazy.

standing room only, the concerts so loud
everyone's there for the party
the hush turns to a shout
everyone's got a piece of the pie of you and I
but nobody knows when the lights go down
that the tears fall harder than the whole dam crowd
throw it down my love is just about all I can do
was'nt I the one who said I'll have my cake and eat it to
just could'nt wait any longer you pushed till I was through
I love you so It hurt me but I had to let, let you go

Let me tell you a story of real love:  The husband of a friend loved his liquor.  Every day was

one binge after another.  Then the health problems began.  Frequent visits to the emergency 

room because he would not follow doctors’ orders.  A near death experience still was not

enough to make him stop.  It began to affect her health.  Stress will do that.  Finally, one

day she looked him in his eyes, told him how much she loved him, and how much she loved herself.  She told him that she could no longer watch him destroy himself, and that by

doing so it was destroying her too.  He had 2 choices: Her or The bottle.  He chose her.  He

joined AA, and has been sober 10 years now. 

Love.

Did you hear me crying, baby
It sounded a little bit like this
You did'nt have to make me cry
tell me again and I'll tell you why, It's over.
It's over It's over
Over before the love turns to hate
let's let it end and let's still be friends

(“Casanova Brown” by Teena Marie)

When are you going to stop kidding yourself?  That man doesn’t love you.  Hell, he doesn’t even love himself!!! The liquor simply allows the uninhibited expression of the hatred

and disrespect he has for you.

Do you love you enough to walk away?  Or will you hang around and watch him destroy

himself and you?

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength,

who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my

courage  or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or

innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

-- Anais Nin

Be Encouraged!!

Hello Fellow Travelers!!

Our road trip had to make an unscheduled stop, but we’re ready to resume.

How many times have you heard yourself or someone else say “all the good men are taken”?  Sometimes you look around you and you’re almost convinced of it!

Before you determine if some guy is a good man or not, everything begins with the first impression.  I’m not impressed with the brother in the sagging pants and wife beater standing outside the neighborhood bodega.  I realize that brother might be a doctor, lawyer, have a steady job with a pension, his own place, his own car, and may enjoy many of the same things that I do.  But the sagging pants are an immediate turn-off for me.  I realize some women don’t mind it, so to each his own.  But any man over the age of 17 should have his pants pulled up.  Whenever I see these guys with their pants sagging, and their baseball caps turned to the side, and I know they’re in their late 40’s, I want to slap them upside the head and say “You look ignorant! Pull your pants up and turn that hat around! Your old ass out here looking like you still think you’re one of the damn mouseketeers!” For fear of bodily injury I resist the inclination to slap them, and instead choose to say my hellos and keep moving….LOL

This awful fashion trend has found its way into arenas other than  outside the corner store.  Some dress like this when they’re going out to dinner, a show, and other places, it’s their version of being dressed up - sagging name brand pant and a sports jersey with matching sneakers and hat.   A few weeks ago I attended a show where a brother was dressed just like this.  He was there with the friend of a friend.  He was 52.  It makes your heart break. 

Every time he walked past me I kept thinking “Really?  Really? Is this what a single, middle-aged woman is left to deal with?”

I’m happy to say the answer to that question is “NO!”

This weekend I attended my high school class reunion.  (It was a blast!!)  It was a beautiful site to see men in suits, sport coats, and pants that fit.

So ladies, don’t give up yet! There is a man out there for each of us who knows what to wear and when to wear it.  Who knows that he has to come with his game intact, and the proper battle gear.  HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL!!

Romance?

I’ve noticed that whenever any of us are asked what kind of characteristics we want in a man, we are quick to say we want a guy who’s a romantic.  Then we describe a romantic as someone who will take us to a nice expensive dinner, sunset walk on the beach, blah blah blah.  Don’t get me wrong, these things are ‘romantic”.  But is it really romance?

I’m not so sure! I mean a lying, cheating, snake in the grass can take you to an expensive restaurant and walk with you on the beach.  He could do this while thinking of another person.  He could do these things, drop you off at your door, and keep on moving.

Romance, I believe, is more than just making dinner reservations.  Romance is making dinner reservations at a restaurant you know he can’t afford, but he’s saved money for months so that he can give you this night.

Romance is your man calling you at work in the middle of the day, on your office phone, just to talk sexy to you.  Knowing you can’t talk back.  Leaving you hot, bothered, and blushing from head to toe.

Romance is an impromptu getaway.  You get home Friday from work, and he’s already packed a bag.  He’s bought tickets for the two of you to take one of those cruises to nowhere; out into the middle of the ocean and back. 

Romance is setting up a picnic in the middle of the living room floor when there’s a major snow storm outside.  Big fluffy pillows, candle light, a few bottles of wine, and maybe even a board game. (Some of you are thinking “Spin the Bottle”…..you’re so fresh!)

The point is, I believe romance is two people spending quality time together, just enjoying each others’ company.  There’s no holiday, birthday, or anniversary.  It is during these times that you learn the most about your partner.  Their dreams and ambitions – he’s always wanted to learn to fly.  Their secrets – he cries when he watches “Gone With The Wind”, and likes to sing songs from the “Grease” soundtrack when he’s in the shower. 

You learn the things that really make them tick. 

I know what you’re thinking, “Men don’t think of stuff like this!” Admittedly most don’t.  But that’s why we’re the superior sex ;-). You, can plan an evening of romance.  Make it fun and sexy! Then tell him he has to plan one.  Make it part of your time together, like date night!  Spread it out, every couple of months or so.  That’ll keep it special.

He gets to choose the theme for his planned night of romance.  So if its basketball, accept that and keep it moving.  In fact, tell him he can’t tell you the theme.  His turn is in November.  He doesn’t have to tell you the day unless it requires you taking time off from work. 

See  how creative your man and get! He just might surprise you!!

Are you taking notes?

Here is an old text that I think a friend needs right now:

The bible says “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall” (Psalm 55:22), and “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

But does this mean that God will take care of all your problems? Or does he give some back to you to handle? I believe he does. He doesn’t abandon you. But, like any good parent, he knows there are some problems you have to work through in order to understand and avoid them again; or he knows that you know what you need to do, but are reluctant to do it. Before you begin shaking your head no think about it! When a baby is learning to walk you encourage him to take steps. You move further and further away from him, so that he’ll take more steps, learn to stay upright and get used to walking.  Because you can’t carry him his whole life. Remember the picture of two sets of footprints in the sand then one set of prints, blah blah blah?

God wants you to be strong, and the only way for that to happen is to help you learn to walk on your own. God is always walking next to you, and ready to carry you if you need Him too. “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10)

When God gives a problem back to you it’s because he sees it as a teachable moment.  Be ready to learn!!

When he's got to go!

We all have our little quirks and annoying habits.  When we meet a guy with some annoying little habit we tend to try to look past it thinking, “I can correct that!”  It’s as if he’s the new puppy and while we really want to spank him for making poopoo on mommy’s new rug, we’ll overlook it and work on getting him house trained.  Don’t bother to deny it cause you know we do just that.  But every now and then, you meet a guy with some quirk or habit that is way over the top.  Here are a few things I’ve experienced along this path that were clear signs the brother had to go!

He doesn’t get out much – Imagine you’re in a restaurant sitting across the table from your date.  The zest he’s showing during the meal must mean what he ordered was really good.  So good in fact he puts his face to his plate to slurp the juice or gravy.  (I’m not making this up!)  If you get one of these, it means his momma didn’t slap him up side his head enough about his table manners.  There’s nothing you can do with him.  At this point he needs the dog whisperer or something.

Presumptuous – You’ve gone out with him a couple of times and you like what you’re seeing.  Handsome, attractive, sexy, intelligent…..mmmmm.  As the two of you head back to your place you’re thinking:

“Should I just give him some

Maybe

Is this the night for fun

Maybe”

(Maybe by Toni Braxton)

You hesitate because you don’t want to rush this.  He takes a seat on the sofa, and you head for the bathroom.  You haven’t given him any indication about what you’re thinking.  When you re-enter the living room, there he is: his shoes off and his feet propped up on your coffee table; his shirt unbuttoned; and his belt undone.  You have a WTF moment.  Here’s a brother whose decided that any decisions you thought you were gonna make have already been made.  No Boo!

I don’t know how to talk to a woman – This is your first date and you’re looking forward to learning more about this man.  His conversation all evening is about how much he likes your cleavage.  He likes the size of your butt, your lips…..blah blah blah.  The worse part about it is, not only does he think he’s a playa, he thinks he’s turning you on!  When I get that, ”Ooooo your breasts look so pretty from over here”, I usually say “They are! Now what kind of work do you do?”

Uh, are we together?  – I’m a little old fashioned! I like it when a man holds the door for me, stands when I leave the table, open and closes the car door, etc.  As much as I enjoy that kind of attention, I don’t necessarily look for it.  But a man being rude is completely unacceptable.  He’s gotten out of the car and is already 10 feet in front of me.  He bought my movie ticket, and him some popcorn.  After paying for his treats and stepping out of line he turns to me with,  “ Are you going to get you something?”  We get into the theatre, and he removes his coat and puts it on the seat between us.  And is completely confused later when I don’t even want to hold his hand, let alone any other part of his anatomy!!

His friend “Joe” – I think it’s really great when a guy has a friend he admires.  Particularly if the friend is doing well for himself.  Maybe the guy you’re with has the same aspirations.  I love a man working to move forward and up!  But when he spends most of the date with you telling you about Joe’s new car, new big house, how Joe started his own business and is really successful,  Joe’s big TV, etc.  I just cut to the chase and asked for Joe’s number.

When was the last time…  - How many times have you met a guy and he asked, ”When was the last time you were with someone?”  I’m always amazed by this question! For those of you who have not had this experience, the brother wants to know when was the last time you  had sex.  I’ve always wondered what could be going through a man’s mind when he asks that asinine question.  Do men think the longer you’ve been without, the more desperate you are, and the easier it will be for them?  HA!! Brothers! Listen up! A woman can get sex anytime she wants.  If a woman hasn’t had sex in a while it’s because she’s choosey about who she has sex with!  The next time some poopoohead asks you that question tell him, “The sex I had an hour ago was really good.  So what’s your name?”

never put off till tomorrow...

I went whale watching this weekend.  Unfortunately, due to overcast skies and large swells we were unable to spot any of the numerous humpback whales that make Delaware Bay their home this time of year.  We were however able to spot and identify more than 100 Atlantic bottlenose dolphins in the Bay.  We were thrilled to see several dolphin calves; some barely 24 hours old.

[Trivia: Did you know that dolphins live up to 5 years in captivity, but up to 50 years in the wild?  Did you know that Delaware Bay is the northern most breeding ground for the Atlantic bottlenose dolphin? --- Now you do! Learn something new everyday!!]   

Food and alcohol were served on the boat, and as is sometimes the case, some folks had a little too much to drink.  One such patron threw his plastic beer cup into the water when he was done.  Fortunately, one of the crew members was alerted and used a net to retrieve it.  My fellow passenger was encouraged to sit and not allowed to purchase any more alcohol.

Are you thinking now, what I thought at the time? ”What if one of the babies had gotten hurt or worse because it tried to eat the cup?”

How disconnected have we become?  I mean, not just to our environment and the other species with whom we share this planet, but with each other.  Why didn't any of this guys travelling companions care enough to cut him off?  Why didn't he cut himself off?  Did any of them tell him today that they were embarrassed?  Did he apologize today?  Was an apology today enough to make up for his embarrassing behavior yesterday?

What if instead, this guy had thrown a drug laced piece of candy into a school yard of little ones – you know, the daycare crowd – and one of the kids picked it up and put it in his mouth?   The dolphin have to deal with guys like the one on my boat throwing his garbage into the water.  Then I, and others on the road, have to deal with this same drunkard if he gets behind the wheel of a car.

The whole incident got me thinking of just how fragile the thread of life really is.

Imagine! One thoughtless or careless act, one angry word, one misguided assumption, one mistake could ruin it all. Could cause irreparable harm to a person (or thing), or damage to a relationship.

How diligent are you in monitoring your behavior? Do you think the things you do today won’t affect tomorrow?  Do you believe that you can keep putting things off until later?

The Bible says of your life, “You do not know about tomorrow.  What is your life like?  For you are a puff of smoke that appears for a short time and then vanishes.” (James 4:14)

Reconnect right now! Connect with a loved one, a close friend – heck connect with your pet lizard – just connect.  Let them know that you love them.  That you care.  That you pray they be healthy, happy, and safe.

Not only is tomorrow not promised to you, the next 5 minutes aren’t either!

Don't shoot the messenger!

Have you ever met a guy in a bar, club, supermarket, whatever, who’s trying to talk his talk with you but he’s married, unmarried but living with someone, or in some other way attached?  Nine times out of 10, if you ask him if he’s worried that his significant other is getting her thing on with someone else while he’s running the streets, he’d tell you no.  He believes she’s home with the kids, at choir rehearsal, or just sitting at home hoping he’ll come by.  He’s convinced he’s got that locked up.  His stuff is pure gold and there’s no way she could want another man.  We women know better!  So every time some guy spews this bullshit I can’t help but hear Johnnie Taylor singing in my head:

“Who’s making love to your old lady, while you were out making love?”

Now as wise as we women are, we seem to get all stupid when others are trying  to tell us our man isn’t keeping his love at home. 

Your momma told you she thought she saw your man’s car at another woman’s house.  But you dismiss it because your momma is old with bad eyesight.  You cousin Shirley told you she thought she saw your man at a club the other night, but she couldn’t get real close to make sure.  You dismiss this because Shirley loves to tell lies and cause chaos.  Finally, your best friend since the third grade, Yolanda, tells you she has seen your man riding around with some woman in his car.  That while on her date last night she spotted your man and this woman at Applebee’s.    

Now you see red!  Unfortunately however, your rage is directed at Yolanda.  All kinds of things go through your head. “She needs to mind her own damn business.  She’s just jealous cause she don’t have a man.  You talked to her a hundred times yesterday and she never mentioned she had a date.  Desperate bitch was probably following your man around.  And you know your man was at his mother’s last night helping his sister move some furniture around.  You talked to him while he was driving over there.” 

Now that you’re cocked and loaded, you’re ready to shoot the messenger!!

Well, before you go and ruin your friendship with the one person you know will be there to comfort you should you find out your man is cheating, I want you to listen up Calamity Jane!!!

Don’t blame the bearer of bad news! 

When someone comes to you with some news that your man may be stepping out, by all means you should think about their motives.  Yolanda has never come to you with this kind of stuff when it came to any of your boyfriends. You haven’t noticed any behavior from her that should lead you to believe she has some hidden agenda.  It may be time to face reality.  Especially if you’ve been suspecting your man is cheating.  (The key word here is “suspecting”!   No you shouldn’t jump in his face and accuse him of messing around unless you know it for certain!!)

What you should do is thank your friend for letting you know.  That if she should spot your man and this woman someplace she should just call you.  You’ll handle things from there.

Don’t let the warnings from friends and loved ones be signs you simply dismiss.  Be in your relationship with your eyes wide open!