Bag of apples!

You know what it’s like to buy a bag of apples from the supermarket right? The apples look pretty good through the plastic.  But when you get the bag home there’s always one or two that are a little too ripe and need to be eaten right away, or tossed out all together.  After having this experience a few times you pick another store to buy your apples.  I’ve decided that men are like buying a bag of apples, and that we need to change supermarkets.  Here are some of the things you may come across in your bag of apples:

He So Fine – Ladies I don’t know about anyone else but I do not want a man who thinks he’s prettier than I am.  Someone I have to compete with for time in the mirror.  I want my man to look good, and to know he looks good.  But when he thinks he needs to enter the room first so that all eyes are on him (male and female), we’ve got a problem.

Talon Toes – These are the guys who can’t wait to put on some flip flops or sandals and their toes look like eagle feet. The nails are long, there’s crust all around the toes, and the bottom of their feet look like the hoofs of a mountain goat.  If he’s not going to do his feet himself, you would think he’d go get a pedicure.

French Tip – It’s petty I know! But I detest when a man has long nails. And when they’re long and brown forget about it! Brothers!! There are things a woman wants you to do with your hands and long nails will not do!

Where’s the Grill? – Teeth.  He’s gotta have ‘em.  I don’t care if he has to start a paper route, collect cans, or climb cactus plants to make extra money.  A man has got to have teeth.  Not just any teeth either. Having a mouth full of rotten, cavity stricken, mud colored teeth is just as bad as not having any.  

Fashion Sense – Saw 2 guys the other day (yeah they were at the bus stop),  one was in red and the other in yellow.  Mr. Red had on a red wife beater, some long red shorts, red socks, red sneakers, and a red kango.  His buddy had on a similar outfit, but his was all yellow.  They looked like 2 giant M&M’s.  These were grown men, both looked to be in their late 40’s early 50’s, dressed as if they were little boys and momma had laid their clothes out.  Give me a break!!

Is it still there? – Yeah you know the one! He’s grabbing his crotch every 10 seconds like he’s afraid his stuff is going to fall off.  I can never tell if it’s a nervous twitch or if he’s copping a feel.  Sometimes he’ll just grab a hand full and shake it.  What’s that about?

Mr. Matrimony – He’s married, but didn’t tell you.  His excuse is, “You didn’t ask”.  Or “He’s sort of married”.  Oh yeah, they’re out there too.  He and the Mrs. "aren’t getting along right now”.  “She doesn’t understand him”.  Well when you give me some lame ass answer like “I’m sort of married”, I don’t understand you either.

Having been through a few bag of apples, I think we need an apple store in order to avoid the bad one.  Like Build-A-Bear!! Only we’ll be building the men we need and want. We can even call it Dancing Bear (Sike! Some of you will understand that reference ;-).  

So what do you say ladies.  Let’s start our own orchard! (That’s it!!! That could be the name of the store “Orchard”)